"Chaos is a friend of mine"

Bob Dylan quoted that... "Chaos is a friend of mine." She's a friend of mine too, Bob! A very close, personal friend. A thorn in my side but one I've grown awkwardly fond of. She's that dull roar of pain... You know the pain. The one that is a reminder that you're still breathing.

I've had the most upside down, inside out, crazy, hectic, fart in a whirlwind kind of day imaginable. And.....I love it.

That's all I got tonight, folks. Happy reading. Happy living. Happy Chaos to you and yours ;-)

Let it be what it is.

Friends call on me... every day. Sometimes twice. They ask for an update. I give it. My latest update was one they expected to hear with tears behind it. But they were met with less than their expectation. Why? Because the truth is I wanted to have control over who loved who... and I don't. I don't control the energy that flows. I don't control that glance she gave him to let him know "I dig you." And I don't control the mind in him that let that glance take him to a place called confusion and indifference.

I don't control.

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow, maybe it will be something different and maybe it will be more of the same. Maybe it will be an escalated version of the same or perhaps a deflated version of different...

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow I let it be what it is. Until it's something that it's not anymore... if that ever happens. And if that happens, then I can let it be what it will be OR it can be a different version of what is. Perhaps a happier version in my world... or... perhaps I could be the one that finds true happiness out of all this in a form, in a shape, in a color, in a different vividness that I never imagined existed.

I don't speculate. I just live. Now. This minute. This second. I let it be what it is.

The reality of realizations

Today, my reality became clear. I'd been holding onto a man who clearly had decided to move on. I started thinking about my last post and how that was preventing me from living. I can't live in the past unless my past somehow becomes my present again... And I don't know. Maybe some day it will... but if it doesn't, I can't sit like I did this past weekend. My heart was truly bleeding. I supposed neither of us quite realized how I felt for him, but that doesn't change the reality that it WAS felt.

I haven't had that feeling in 3 years. More than 3 years. And I'm thankful for the love given to me and I'm grateful that he trusted me to love him in return. I still do, but it's time to turn that romantic love into filios. Still a man I'd walk to the ends of the earth for, but someone else out there is looking for me and my heart is searching for him... and hopefully one day soon they'll join and spark... AND THEN... ignite.

It will happen.

Reality bites. But, love is a risk.

So for now, I have to walk away. I love you and I send good thoughts your way every time I think of you.

Random thought for the night

I want to be thin enough to have my own style... which I do. I want to be a walking piece of art. Society dictates to me now that I must this and I must that. I now have a new motivation drop the weight. Behind the fat - - - is me!

Free me

I had an epiphany today. I was driving Polina's car to the gym... and I was reflecting on a statement I made to Adam after he gave me the news that he was interested in someone else. That statement was something like this: Adam, this is what I do! I make impulsive decisions and it ends up biting me in the ass every time." And I think I also said something about my being a free spirit by nature, but life has made me what I coined a free spirited realist. If I didn't - I thought about writing it, but my brain was moving at warp speed.

My epiphany was this: "Amber, have you been happy since you've started letting life dictate how you live?" HOLY SHIT. That's not living. I need need need to live. I need to live from my heart and from my spirit and I need to do it - dive both feet first. Sure I might break an ankle, but I also won't feel the crispness of life standing on the shore. I fear. I fear a lot. But a life ruled by it is not a life at all.

Since the last blog I wrote about music, I've rediscovered my roots. I've fallen for an art form and I'm going to do something with it. My grandfather wrote a song years before he passed away and it's a gospel song - but the chords are so haunting and beautiful that I feel it would betray him not to learn it. And when I get back from Freeport, I'm moving the piano to Ben and Polina's. I'm going to teach myself. I have the talent. I have the voice. I have the passion. I'm going to combine the three to make dynomite - even if it's just for me. Me.... is enough.

I've posted the lyrics to a song I've heard before - but tonight with eyes wide open to my mind AND my heart - I let it in... and it's a part of me now. Now I share them with you:

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

Love to all.

She's Baaaaack

I have to get back to the me that I once was. I know this to be true - life is what YOU make of it. It's not about what others bring to the game. It's about how you perceive the game. You can drag your feet through it and see every dart that's been and is being zinged at you at Mach 5.... or .... you can pay attention to those darts - turn your world into the Matrix and slow things down. Observe. It's funny that when you observe, reallllly pay attention - you can change things.

I observed my life today. I had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I started to wonder if I'll be blessed with the joys that come with finding mine. You know - not the perfect man, but the man who's perfect for me. And maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I do know this. I've been alive for 33 years. 34 in a couple of months. And the people who have touched my life, selflessly given, loved me in spite of my MANY faults and failures ... those people never cease to amaze me. I'm so amazed because when I see my faults, they're magnified 100x. Why? Because they're mine. And how can ANYONE love me with all this crap that continually happens? But they do. And I'm blessed.

I've tried getting through the last week a number of ways. Staying busy, listening to music, going out and putting effort into looking the way I'm supposed to feel about myself all the time... Music ..... makes time stand still. It can make you laugh, for sure it can make you cry. It can make you want to throw shit, hit someone, or just curl up in the lap of the person you love and tell them all the things you should have said. It can bring back the most bittersweet memories and make you smile through the tears because of the joy you felt when you heard that song with your partner, mother, brother, daddy.....

So much of my life has revolved around chords, strumming, black keys, white keys, flats, sharps and the love of people. Music is what brought us together and in its honor, every time we were together, there was a note played, a song sung. It's powerful. It's a time machine that takes you back to the day you were sitting on Papaw's knee and he showed you how to hold a guitar for the first time. It's sitting on Mamaw Clarkston's piano with your brother at a young age and for the first time in the 3 hours we were at her house - we weren't fighting... we were playing Chopsticks. Peace. My mother's dedication to me when I lost what I thought was the love of my life... I cherish every memory. I've attached links to some of the songs that have impacted me in my life.

And so, with a grateful heart - good night, world. Make memories, keep them alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQPBk0RD8d0 - The first time I ever heard my dad curse. He spilled coke all over his lap in the Hardee's drive through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06OP--FJTBo - Our family sitting at Opryland listening to what I then thought to be likely the best song EVER :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6poo__S2h8 - Bluegrass, but absolutely heartfelt. My mother's song to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY - the song my Grandma and Grandpa Powers would ALWAYS play... regardless. If we came, they played this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qeKNdAdGhc - one of many Acapella songs playing on Saturday mornings as we all cleaned house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1lTdWhi6-g&feature=fvw - My first "ah-ha" moment that I have no reason to EVER complain. These children are in the most impoverished, destitute conditions and yet you can see through their eyes that their souls are still smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsjZWlRVvo - first dance with my ex-husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU&ob=av2e - this is the song I would sing at the top of my lungs in my car as I was going through my divorce. Directed at 3 people. My parents and my what was then - soon to be ex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw - the last song I heard my mommy sing - with her frail hands lifted to the sky, still worshiping her God through all her pain.

Back on the horse

So - tonight I decided to snap out of my funk (for real) and make myself go have a good night. I have to admit I wasn't crazy about the whole idea before I got out... but once I was there and had the first Blue Moon under my belt - it was all good.

I hate starting over though... blech. Refocus.

I missed talking to my girl SVN tonight (Veronica)... That makes me sad. I'm thinking my next trip after Freeport is going to be down to Austin to go see her. Miss her big time.

I have to say ... I'm SOOOOO incredibly blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and who are able and willing to drag me out even when I don't wanna go. It proved to be an excellent idea. Thanks Greg! Way to be wingman!! :) Next time, Talbott Street. It's been too long!

Exhausted - and hoping for a solid night of sleep. Till tomorrow.

So much to say

I feel like my brain is just ready to explode - but I have no idea what words to put down to release the pressure. This is me... every night. Thinking. I sometimes can't even tell you what I'm thinking ABOUT - but I can still feel the hamster turnin' the wheel up there.

*knock, knock* Mr. Hamster - please, if you don't mind... could you stop for.... oh... 30 minutes. That should do the trick. I love, love, LOVE my dreamland and it's been a while since I've been to visit. I was just wondering if you could do me this one tiny favor and take tonight off. It would be very much appreciated. Really. Yes, yes... your legs and ass look fantastic - so good that I think a night off to celebrate in someone else's brain sounds like a splendid plan. Many thanks, Mr. Hamster. Feel free to take as long as you need to celebrate. ....

My dreamland - maybe this would help... I'll write about what a potential dream could be for me. Since I was a child - the one thing I remember my parents telling me was that if I was scared or if I just couldn't sleep - I needed to close my eyes and think of something that made me feel at peace and happy. So my happy place was always a field, as far as my eyes (brain in this case) could see - filled with the brightest white daisies with the centers as sharp as the sun. The yellow almost shines. And I'm picking them ... for someone. I don't know who. How these daisy filled dreams sometimes turn to the terrors that haunt me well into the next week is really beyond me.

*adds to list of fears - sleep. oh sheesh. just hit me over the head with a hammer and get it over with. PLEASE.

Back to ramblings

So I was driving the girls home tonight from Chuck E Cheese after dropping Polina off to the airport. She's London bound. And I know their terror. I know their tears. I remember the first business trip my mom went on and how I thought I was never going to see her again. They were fine until I started playing the CDs she had in the truck. They're uniquely hers and the girls recognize them as such. "Ambuw - pwess 5 like momma does." Momma. *tears.....

It's hard to rationalize with a 3 year old.

Really trying to make wise financial decisions right now. It's getting harder considering my invite to a South African suare in Tampa next weekend... and the flight is only $180. I needs to get my mind off things and this would do the trick. At least for a couple of days. I should save my cash. There are SO many directions I want to go with this blog - but I'm not... I'm not going to do it. I have 36 minutes left to cry... to obsess... and then - I'm moving on. I have NO clue what step one will be. Probably just watch the clock tick the pain away. Damn - those are good lyrics. Excellent even.

Nat's gonna teach me guitar while I'm in Freeport. So excited - my grandpa used to try to teach me... my I'm a bit of a pansy. My finger tips just couldn't hack it. I'm gonna do it though. I'm going to learn. I'm going to make myself better. I couldn't be better for him... not in his time. But then - that's just bad timing.

So - I lied. That last post wasn't my last post about him, but I'm feeling a little more level headed about the whole thing now. He has his person for right now - and maybe longer - I have no control. If it's meant to be - it'll be. So while I make no promises about blogs of men - this will be my last boo hoo I wasn't good enough blog about him. Holy fuck. I feel like I'm the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Meh - it's all good.

Good night. Good day. Good life. Toodles.

Fuck THIS!

I'm done... done. DONE. This is my last rambling about this mess. I need positive energy back in my life and me dwelling on this man that has clearly moved on - does nothing but keep me down. I can't keep doing it. I don't know where the tears keep coming from - but I'm giving myself the rest of tonight... and that is it.

I have a beautiful, giving soul that's bound to make the right man very happy. I'll be enough one day.

I'm closing with the lyrics of "Rise Above This."

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Dark Thirty

Soooo - the only reason I started blogging again really was to help me sleep. Perfect timing actually. I find it therapeutic. And here I sit - 4:04 am. I woke with the post alcohol shakes. I hate this feeling - which is one of the main reasons I don't overdo the booze more often. Well, that plus my grandfather was an alcoholic. He didn't drink much during the time when I grew up, but he did when he was raising daddy. And it affected my dad enough that I know I don't ever want to be that person. I'm preparing myself for motherhood... awww - how sweet.

I had to skip project runway tonight. Instead, Kriston was there. Again. Not many people know Kriston - but he's a person I will never........ EVER forget. He lay next to me after dipshit acted a total fool and treated me like crap all night long. Kris saw the whole thing. And he called one of his best friends on the planet out. And then he refused to let me stay my final night there with him. Kris walked me back to my room, kissed me on the cheek - told me everything was going to be ok - and told me he would be by at 11 to get me. And he was - but we had an hour before I had to check out. After he tapped on my door, I swung it open to find that it was appropriately rainy out. Pouring really. Which is what I had done all night. He looked at me and said, "you ok, love?" "Yeah, I'm alright." "No... no you're not." At which point he bear hugged me, told me to lay down, and he laid next to me. "No funny business" he said with this half smirk. And the tears poured - much like they did as I spoke to him last night.

I need sleep... I need to be loved. I need to be loved for what I bring to the table - not for a label I may or may not offer. Sleep will eventually call. So it goes.........

It's a double bloggin kinda night. I lied. I've had 2 double cran/vodkas and working on my 2nd double Captain n diet coke... cuz that's what us fatties do. We drink diet as if THAT's gonna make a difference. Hey - it happens once a week that I drink. 2X this week. Maybe 3. It's a bad fucking week, ok? Don't judge me.

Tonight started with 2 cran/vodkas, supermarket sushi from Target, 2 little debbie snack cakes... and I fully intend to eat myself in to a sugar coma... Maybe sleep through tomorrow. Hopefully party with Renee Saturday, drink and drink with Greg on Sunday... Fucking forget this week. I won't forget though, will I? *sigh* Anyway, enough bullshit. I have the gays to watch in an hour 15. I need to be good n fucked up by then. Ta.

I write these words because THEY are my hug right now. They're the proverbial person I go to to get the "it's going to be ok, baby." - But even still - it's not enough. I forget how to let go. I'm holding on. Tonight is "our" night. I dubbed it that ... I don't even think he knows it's our night, but it is. This is the night we would talk and talk... and I'd mention how I love the gays... lol. :( I miss him. What do I do?? Do I go out with other people? That's what "they" say. Again with the governing body of "they." The ex's have already picked up on my "meh" mood... and have again begun to charge - full force. I don't want them. They fucked me up already and while some of them I can still talk to and give advice to - I really don't wanna go down that road again.

My friend Greg, who has been there through Ruis and the three plus years since him is going through almost exactly the same thing right now - but with his ex. He was trying to see where it went - not jump in both feet first this time. Same situation - friends - there was intimacy, but no solid commitment. So when he told me the same thing happened to him as happened to me, my first question was, "how did you respond?" His answer - "I'm backing the fuck away." *ahhh* SO I'M NOT CRAZY!!! whew. And his response to that was 1) Don't use me as your crazy measuring stick and 2) "friends.... friends with benefits.... boyfriend/girlfriend.... they're just labels. Feelings are what they are."

Epiphany... I acted as though I was in a relationship. I wanted him like I would have wanted him in a relationship. I turned down guys like I was in a relationship. Because I felt like ... I was in a relationship. I gave him a part of me. Now, being the stubborn broad that I am, it takes time (more than the 3 months we were together) for me to give more and more away. I guess his thinking wasn't the same though. Patience would have been a virtue in this case. It would have paid off. I have no doubt.

Now - what to do with me? Tired of crying. Don't wanna drink - that's less than productive. Got sleep last night so that's a step. Going out with Greg Sunday. Those were typically Adam days. I can't stay home and think about what could have been and if he's with HER... God. FUCK.

'Tis all. I'm getting shitty again.

Winds of change

Oh... my... god. My emotions have been off the charts today. I have literally listened to everything from Ray Lamontagne's Hold You In My Arms all the way to Rhianna's Breakin' Dishes (up in here all night uh hu) lol... I've cried, I've laughed, I've hit shit, I've cried some more. Why do I feel like I just lost everything? I blinked - and I lost it. Just like that.

Why am I hurting so much? Why DOES it hurt like hell? Is it ego? Is it connection? Is it betrayal? I trusted him. That's one thing he always had was my trust. Never doubted a word he said. Ever.

And on another note - apparently I'm dressing too provocatively according to Ben's accountability partner. Fuck. I can't win. I really can't win. So - here's my thinking. I'm going to go to a lesbian bar, find me a good woman - dressed in a moo fucking moo. I'm single - I guess that's been my official title all along, but I wasn't screwing anyone else. But now... now I feel really really single... Like the depressed kind. "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, kid." If it were only that easy.

Truth? I still love him. I probably always will. He'll always have a piece of me that I won't get back... and I don't know that I want it back. I think I practiced my theory with him. My theory is that I'm a conundrum - a real one. I'm a free spirited realist. My nature is to go where the wind may blow. My reality has taught me that sometimes I have to resist the wind because I have a goal. My goal? To have a family. To love someone who also understands that to reach a goal, there's a certain obligation to your responsibilities. WHY is that so fucking hard to understand? Why isn't that innate after a certain period of life?

Ramblings - it's what I do. Questions I will likely never have the answer for.

Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

In the famous words of Boyz II Men - It's so hard to say good bye to yesterday... and they sure don't lie. What is it that makes us cling so hard to our past - not wanting to fully release it to what it was?

I even asked my shaman - what will this man be to me? What will we be together? And I should have just taken her at her word. But I kept hoping for more, which I suppose is natural. "Your role together is to heal one another."

*sigh* And yet - I somehow feel very far from healed. All I've felt for the last 2 days is hurt... betrayed... like again - I'm less than enough. I'm not worth the wait. For once - FOR ONCE I do the "George Costanza" and do the opposite of what I would normally do... and it still doesn't work. I naturally am incredibly impulsive. I can't tell you how many times I had to resist with everything I am to pick up the phone and call him and say, "let's do this." Even thinking - maybe we could live together now that I'm not going to Chi. SMH - when will I learn? I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong... or even what's wrong with me. Why does "she" always win? The other girl.

I suppose it just is what it is and will be until it's time for it not to be that anymore. I just don't know though. Every time this happens, I put up more walls for the next guy to break down. Fair for him? No - but how else am I supposed to protect myself? How am I supposed to NOT be upset about all this?? 2 nights without sleep. literally 5 hours of sleep in two nights now. It's so not worth it - or at least I haven't found a love that's worth all this pain. Maybe it's out there... maybe.

Ramblings part deux

I wonder why my brother turned out to be such a douche bag towards women... and even now toward his kids. Part of me is glad Don called him to try to talk some common sense into him. The other part of me knows it's not going to do any good.

Hey wait - Don called me a few weeks back as well and left me a message. He asked me to call him back, but I didn't. I think in the back of my mind I knew he wanted to talk to me about why I haven't been to church in a while. Being the people pleaser that I am, I don't think I'd like his reaction to what I have to say.

What would I say? How would I approach that? What I want to say is, "How can you believe what you believe? How can you never question the God you've been taught is the way the truth and the life? How can the thought not pop in your head 'hey, wait... this belief had to stem from somewhere. Let me find out where.'" And how can you trust this one dude who one day had this one thought there there was this one god and through this one god you would find eternal life... HOW DO YOU NOT QUESTION THIS???

I guess I get it though. I was a blind faith believer for mmmmm - 32 years. I questioned, but I think I feared the answers so I only dug so deep and then I'd quit. Ignorance is bliss - or so they say.

Random Mind Map

So I've decided to do kind of an unconventional blog right now - and when the feeling strikes. I'm about 210% convinced I have ADHD. I just lack the funds to A) Get Diagnosed and B) Purchase the meds once I am diagnosed.

But my mind is such a brilliant disaster. Is there such a thing?? Oh yes. There is. Right here between my ears. So here it goes. Random thoughts - one after another. It's likely to make little to no sense - so enjoy the ride.

I realized last night that I have a bit of a messiah complex. I feel like I need to fix people - which probably explains the HUGE problem I've had in both landing and keeping a man. A) Why would I want someone so broken that they need fixed and B) Why would they want to be fixed? I'm sure they're perfectly happy in their own misery.

The kids are watching Diego right now. I've been considering Rosetta Stone for a while now. There's at least 3 languages I would really love to learn. I should go there now and look to see if the price has gone down any........... Crap - it's still too expensive. Maybe ebay!!! No wait. Polina's put me on a budget. This is a good thing. Kind of a pain in the ass, but a good thing still. I can't manage money for shit.

God, if I can't manage my own money, how did I manage 50 employees at Budget?? God that was an awful job. It was like a pig going to the slaughter every.....single.....day. Over and over again. I can't believe I made it a year in that hell hole. But - on the bright side, they provided a car, gas and car insurance which is pretty kick ass. That sure would be nice now.

I should look at a career where I can travel. No, wait - nursing. I'm going to stick with nursing. I can travel with nursing. Even make someplace my home for a short period of time. I might get sick of it after a year or two - but I can't wait to see the world. I think this might just be the way to do it. I might even be able to live on one of the islands for a while - but from what I hear "rock fever" sucks.

I'll never forget the first time our whole family went to visit my aunt and her family on Grand Bahama. All of us - mamaw, papaw, mom, dad and I. Surprised her - I'll never forget her face when she opened up the door to the limo... but MAN XANADU SUCKED!! Broken everything.

I'm tired of writing. Natty's doing backflips on the couch and I can't stay focused. I want to go out there and .... well... watch her flip :)

U Turn

Oh - the mind is a powerful thing... I know this, and yet I constantly forget it. I was doing so well! What happened? Life, I suppose, but the negative talk has done what it always does - drawn more negativity. Unsuccessful relationships, car repair after car repair after new car purchase to be followed by another 2 successions of car repairs. You get the idea.

Why is prayer and meditation such a hard discipline? It's very simple, really. It just requires time - and the more time the better. Well, it's 2:30 am. What better time than now? I've spent the last 2 hours doing research. Maybe now it's time to find peace in the sweet sound of silence.

'Tis All. Blessings!

A Giving Heart

I've decided to blog a bit about a new man in my life. We've been talking a number of weeks and we finally met in person last week. I knew after our 2nd or 3rd phone conversation that we'd get along splendidly. And instant friends - we were. So here we are, a number of weeks later and I have to admit that I'm a bit stuck. I've decided to write this all out more to vent than anything else. I'm afraid to say too much to him yet - as the last thing I want to do is scare him away. Our first conversation, he asked me what I was looking for. My answer? Ultimately, I want the whole deal... but I want to take it slowly. Why do our hearts conflict with our logic?

Here's the truth... my reality that I FEEL right now. The truth is that I can see a solid future with this man. And when I say solid, I mean that I see a man who will very likely turn out to be my very best friend. A man who makes me laugh so hard that I pee my pants a little. A man that I am completely comfortable around and his level of confidence (not arrogance) is the magnet that draws me physically to him day in and day out. And so my heart says, "I want his heart to be mine and mine to be his." And my head says, "WHOA GIRL! Allow this thing to evolve naturally into what will be instead of potentially destroying any sort of relationship." And the truth is that with this man - it's different. The waiting isn't killing me or driving me mad because I want it to be right with him. I want to give him the best me that I possibly can give him. I want him to see the me that everyone who loves me gets to see - without the stresses of relationship.

The hardest part for me, however, is that I am a naturally giving person. I have been sitting here thinking to myself - what can I do for him? What can I share with him? Truth is - there's nothing I can buy for him that he can't buy for himself. I think the things he would appreciate the most are the things he can't hold in his hands, but in his heart. And since the non-tangible is virtually my only option, I want to give him my heart. I want to share the most intimate part of me with him... my heart. But the truth is that the longer I wait... the more I get to know him and the more I share myself in bits and pieces, the more likely we are to grow to love each other in a very real and mature way. And while I want the immediate gratification of giving now, the best gift I can give him is to not give. Not yet. And so for him, I will...not give.

Inspiration

I found a bit of inspiration today. I told myself that if I got my clothes packed up and my room a good bit tidier than it had been, I'd reward myself with a trip to see "Avatar" finally. A lot came to me in those two-plus hours. First, what a great display of how oblivious we are to the world around us. We take advantage of every plant, animal and sadly - even people different from ourselves. A large part of our population has no peripheral vision... and by that, I do not mean sight. They can't see past the path that's laid right in front of them and they fail to see that if they look left, the animals have volumes to teach us. If we look right, we can absorb and allow lives different from our own to transform us a step closer to the people we have potential of being. Instead, for many, it's easier to degrade those who recognize the potential lessons.

I also recognized - about myself - that I continue to allow fear to rule my life. Fear of failure, fear of commitment, fear of humiliation. I half-heartedly approach many things in my life and fail to give it all I REALLY have to offer... for one reason. Fear. I subconsciously look for distractions to keep me from accomplishing goals I set for myself because I'm afriad I will fail miserably - which further proves how imperfect I am. And I'm all too familiar with these imperfections.

And yes, even my wavering choice in religion was slapped right in my lap tonight. After being a very conservative Christian my entire life, it became more evident than ever that Yes - there IS a God. I can't logically explain how culture after culture, year after decade, after century, after millenium have a burning desire to worship a being higher that itself. And although each is significantly different, they're all relatively similar. Many theologies, values, and morals borrowed - one from the other. I continue to stray from any faith, despite that being the force that I know pushes me forward in a multitude of directions.

.....Step one.... Just today, meditate on this power greater than I. Tomorrow, just be aware and take one day, hour, minute at a time. IN THAT, WE APPRECIATE OUR NOW, OUR EVERY BLESSING.

Be Blessed. I know I am.

Reflecting and Refracting

I've taken a blog writing break for a few days. I needed the time to reflect and decided I need to refract. What do I mean? I've been reflecting on life as a single young woman who is dead broke and as soon as I did - REFRACT... In optics, refraction occurs when light waves travel from a medium with a given refractive index to a medium with another at an angle.

I needed to change my perspective. I needed to change my vocabulary. I needed to change my reality. And so, I shall.

I am no longer a single woman in search of a meaningful relationship. I am a woman who will continue to enjoy every person in her path, every moment, every day from here on out. IF fate determines that said person is my match... then it will be. No more struggling. No more worrying. Just gladly accepting the gifts that the universe continues to send my way, no matter what form they may take.

Blessings, all.

Retards Anonymous

I am seriously considering starting a new help group. Yes, I am completely aware that the title of this post is less than PC. Get the fuck over it.

I want to know why men think it's ok... 8-10 months after you fell off the planet with NO explanation... to send me a text AFTER I DELETED YOU FROM MY LIFE... apologizing. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE MALE BRAIN?!?!?!?!?!

At least when I fuck up, I have the balls - YES, THE BALLS - to admit it right away and apologize. If that means I screw up the relationship, I do it knowing I tried to fix it even though it may still fall apart... As I continue to hold to: TRUTH is the currency of love.

So please - if you hurt me... keep fucking walking. I don't need to feel the pain you caused me nearly a year ago again and still gain nothing. No explanation still. Just another fucking open wound. KEEP your apology. If it were from YOUR heart, you'd feel the need to mend mine.

Asshole.

This is impossible! Only if you believe it is.

There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter... Which luckily, I am.

When I was 9 years old, I remember VIVIDLY being entrapped in a movie. I really didn't question it at the time, but as time progressed, I began to become more and more involved in the movie and could relate on some very different plane of reality to who Alice was and her many misadventures. It's no wonder. My life has been one crazy, wild, mad, adventurous ride. Most of it I wouldn't re-do, although I have my moments I would take back.

I wouldn't have saught the husband I did. I knew him to be the man he was - and may still be for all I know. I would have ended that relationship very early on and in that, saved him the hurt I caused him 5 years into our marriage. My very naive brain told me I could love him into changing... Ah, the mind of a 23 year old.

I wouldn't have wasted nearly a year and a half pouring my heart mind and soul into a man who very clearly didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved.

And now, I'm about to ... this time... learn from my past mistakes. I continue to wait by for the same mystery man from blogs past. Hoping, praying that he'll find in me what the people who really know me find. He won't find it though - until he decides he wants to look for it. Truth is that maybe I'm just not what he's looking for. And I suppose that has to be ok.

As for the rest of my crazy journey - it'll continue to be crazy and I would NOT have it any other way. I will, from a new perspective on life, enjoy every turn, scream at the top of my lungs through every loopty loop, and throw my hands up at the top of the hill and LOVE not knowing what's going to happen next.

Live in the now, friends. Enjoy the love you feel, enjoy giving that love back even more.

Dream Weaver

It is truly moments like now that I wish I was an artist that could pick up charcoal and draw what is in my mind. Instead, I am an artist who picks up a pen and creates a vision for myself... and for you.

Sunday night: In bed by 10:30. My mind does pose a decent argument though. There are things to figure out, you see. And my mind feels it is MY job to figure all things, great and small out. It usually feels that the time to do so is just as my head hits my pillow.

Having said all that, Sunday was not a night of dreams remembered. It was more a night of "What dreams may come." Arguing with my brain, I would say to myself, "I'm NOT going to think about it right now." Then with much gusto, flip my body to my other side trying to induce comfort... enough to where my mind would surrender and just sleep. Finally, at 1:30 am, my mind and body had enough. Sleep began, but morning was right around the corner. I'm a "must have at least 7 hours of sleep in order to functin properly" kind of gal... which meant Monday was gonna be one for the books.

Monday turned out to be alright, but the drive home was torture!! I actually nodded off at one stop light. Pulled up in front of the house, unlock the door and I think I actually heard my bed calling to me. I don't remember much - until I woke up at 7:00 last night.

Last night as I napped, I dreamt about Papaw Powers for the first time since he passed back in November. For those who don't know me well, I've been a dreamer all my life. I remember very vivid dreams of angels and even demons since the time I was 5 years old. For the last month though, I have dreamt, at least every other night - but normally every night - of my mother or one of my grandparents that have gone on before me. Most would find the dreams that I've had to be disturbing or scary, but strangly, I find them incredibly comforting. I woke up with a sense of "home." A feeling I've longed for for months... and I find it.

Home truly is where the heart is. And my heart finds its way back home - to love, comfort... and surprisingly... to acceptance that I never found when my relatives were alive. I experience true unconditional love.

Sweet dreams to you all.

Looking for Greener Pastures?

Chances are... If you're continually looking for greener pastures, you need not look any further than your own back yard. I, along with thousands of others, have at one point or another thought I could find happiness elsewhere.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. The core of all of our issues lies within each and every one of us. Instead of complaining about that job, begin to pronounce things that are growing you, as an individual, as a result of being in the position you are in. What you put out to the universe, you do get in return.

While we may need a change of scenery to achieve our optimal motivation - chances are.... your own back yard could use a little water. Feed yourself, nurture yourself... and in doing so, chances are you'll fall in love with where you are and grow yourself right out of your current situation into a far more loving, nurturing one. Teeny, tiny baby steps to the top of the mountain... where you can appreciate just how green your own pasture really is.

Much love - today and always :)

Red Pill or Blue Pill?

Well, I hate to piss on everyone's parade - but once you take the red pill, you can't go back. They say knowledge is power and the proverbial body of "they" are right. However, I'm still sitting here in my bed, weeks later, shaking my head to see if this power is one I truly wanted. The biggest part of me is glad to have the knowledge and capacity to understand that which 90% of the world does not.... the other 10% just wanted to be able to wake up this morning, completely oblivious to all the BS that society really wants us to believe. I wanted to wake up this morning and be able smile as I got ready for church... for really no other reason than to make my daddy proud... but I can't anymore. For SO long, I have lived a lie that is not me. For what purpose did I live that lie? To make others falsely proud of me. To live up to the image that friends and family had painted in their minds...

And it is with this knowledge - this new found image of me - that I am pouring myself into a new book. I have attempted writing this book for literally years now. However, I get to a few pages and run out of things to say. This time - my fingers won't stop walking. My mind won't stop reeling.

I had to call my good friend P to ask her how the heck her ADHD husband ever finishes a book with his ADHD mind. My new creation is turning more into a disaster than my hoped for masterpiece. However, she gave me a good tip which I am utilizing this weekend. Wish me luck. Send good vibes my way...

Much love :)

Quite Proud

So, today I made a radical (for me) change in my morning habits. I normally sleep as late as possible (which is about an hour before I have to leave the house.) It takes me only about 10 minutes to throw my clothes on and run a brush through my hair, but I require many distractions 1st thing in the morning in order to wake myself properly. First - the shower. Shock myself into a state of alterness. Second - must sit on the bed for 20-30 minutes, depending on how long the shower took, watching TV or playing on facebook/email. If I end up taking 40 minutes, there's a mad rush. Much throwing of shirts, jeans, socks, shirts... my daily ensembles rarely make any sense.

This morning: Set alarm for 6:15. Shower for 10 minutes. Dress myself. Head down the stairs, hoping my hair dries on its own (not so much.) Get the groceries out of the refrigerator that I purchased last night, specifically for this morning's breakfast. Make a decent breakfast - instead of stopping at McDonalds. See, I understand the importance of breakfast (especially for me). It gets my day off on the right foot. However the gross feeling I had every morning as I skeeted off from the McD's drive through - it had to change. And only one person could do that.

Beginning this morning, breakfast will be the biggest meal of the day for me. Today's menu: Eggs (2) over medium. Toast. Bacon. Southern cut potatoes. Yes, over kill on the carbs... one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be fresh fruit, a mini bagel and a yogurt... and I plan to alternate until it's time to do all over again (the shopping that is.)

Oh - side note. Why is it that I never ever used to pay attention to the way food sounded when it was being eaten, but now that I know my uncle can't STAND the way chips sound if a noisey eater is eating them... it bugs the HELL out of me! Carrots, celery, chips, popcorn... and then my all time loathe - the smacking of lips while eating... god, it makes me want to throw up!!! This last part was for free. Thank me later.

Happy eats. Take care of yourself - today and always!

Sweet Satisfaction

I promise this is not a blog about men... but I just have to share this small little tid bit. I LOVE being right. Ladies, follow your gut. It's right, it's innate, listen to your soul!!!!!!

Too many times, we destroy ourselves looking for the good in others. Don't fall victim to yourself.

Nuff said.

Brain Farts

OK, I must admit. I lost my "Ask and It Is Given" book for about 2 weeks. I just found it today, thankfully. As soon as I opened it up, I read this:

"Whatever you are giving your attention to causes you to emit a vibration, and the vibrations that you offer equal your asking, which equals your point of attraction."

Mannnnn..... I learned all this about 3 years ago. Why am I so bubble headed?! So, here we have a situation. Mystery man... I'm focused on mind games, focused on confusion, focused on what is not.... and...... TA DA!!!! I got - nothing. On top of the fact that I held expectations (and not intentions) which, of course, left me disappointed.

Mystery man and I still talk. I just need to figure out #1 - is he where I need him to be? (aka - is he good relationship material... really REALLY good). #2 - regardless... I believe him to be good friendship material. My intention, no matter whom the lucky man may be, is to develop healthy friendships with some folks. I believe in friendships you find out who people really are, what their motives are... and if something naturally evolves with him, then it does. And if not with him, I will draw the right friend - who will, in turn, become my "homey, lover, friend." :-D

'Tis all.

In my silence

Tonight, I watched my brother and sister-in-law's 2 young'ins. The wanted romance from the last 8 months of yesterdays came to a screeching halt last night. "We can be friends" was the last thing I remember... then I cried myself to sleep.

I miss his texts, as confusing as they were. I miss his calls, even though they left me wondering - and wanting him more. But - I did it. I put a stop to it. To the mind games, intended or unintended. And thank God he was honest enough to be straight forward with me.

But tonight, as I sit here in silence, I wonder - who is it that's out there thinking of me tonight? Who is it whose world I've changed for the better? My phone sits silent next to me. Do I need constant interruption to feel important? Tonight is a meditative night. I need my meditation music and my breathing... and I need to focus on me. The me that *I* need to love - first and foremost.

And so, onward I blindly stumble...

When life hands you lemons.... LOVE???

I taught myself a lesson tonight on accident. Gotta love it when that happens. And there were no casualties in this lesson learned - even better!

I've been pining over a guy for a while.... June will be a year. I messed it up early in the "relationship" and have been paying for it, emotionally, ever since. Tonight - I'm hoping I put an end to it. I'm at the "shit or get off the pot" stage right now. I'm 33, I know what I want, I know I'm an amazing partner. No doubt a catch in most areas.

I'm not desperate, but I *AM* done pining over someone if he has no romantic interest in me. I refuse to feel sluggish or down or mopey anymore because of a guy who may or may not want me... a guy who may or may not like to dangle a carrot.

It was one of those nights tonight. After my very nice dinner with NayNay and most excellent conversation - I got a text from my mystery caller.... and I ended up laying it all on the table. I'm sticking to my guns - although I realize that this may be "it."

So, while feeling all droopy and lethargic... I began to count my blessings. And I began to act on those blessings by letting people know what they mean to me. Not drippy sweet or anything. But by letting people know you love them, you experience love... and in that, I realized that I am loved. While I may not be loved by the man of my choosing right now - I am loved. And that's alright by me.

Did you ever?

My cousin just posted something on facebook. Her quote goes like this: "Have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen?"

My answer? Why yes! Yes I have! And guess what? It can.

I went out with my friend Vik (Viktoria) today. We had sushi, I got my nose pierced, got a tat in memory of my momma. Anyone who knows me knows I'm broke as broke can be so why the heck?! Because. Because I never treat myself and by god, I deserve it. My roommate responded with a roll of the eyes. My friend Jason wanted to know if I was going through my midlife crisis a weee bit early. NAY!

Life is what you make it. And I WILL live. Every single day, I will live. So, have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen? Then MAKE it happen. Don't just want it to. I've just started that bucket list early. What can you cross off yours today?

Little Inspirations

I don't know about you, but sometimes I wonder to myself if I'll remember the little things when it's my time to pass from this life to the next. And exactly what little things will I remember? Will I remember the hurt I faced? God, I hope not. What I hope to remember are the little laughs... or the hearty laughs shared with family and friends.

I want to remember the drunken stoopers that cause us to fall to our knees and slam our heads against solid concrete in the Bahamas.

I want to remember the belly laughing virus - you know the one... OH, YOU KNOW! The one where it's not that funny... and days later, you don't really remember what you and your friend were laughing about... But you remember laughing with your friend... 'till it hurt. Until you cried. It's not what you laughed about that mattered. It's the time. It's the joy.

I want to remember walking into the hospital room to see my niece for the first time. I want to remember flying over Vegas at night for the first time. My first real kiss, my first true love, and all the good that surrounds it.

Take the time to solidify that moment into your memory today. Many times I take the time to just say to myself, "Remember this moment. It's one of the important ones." It's not the big moments that make them important... they just have to mean something to you. No regrets.

Just Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it go!

Yes, from the words of MA$E... Just breathe, stretch, shake, let it go! Did he just get out of a yoga class after writing those lyrics, I wonder?

I actually had started this blog at about 8:00 this morning. It's now 11pm - but by god - I'm doing it!

Crazy hairy day, but better than yesterday by far. My biggest accomplishment (I won't bore you with the details) today was a 4 hour battle with Security Tool... in short... it's malware. Never in my life have I fought with such determination... and WON! That's right, the victory was mine. These are the days I enjoy my job. I fix a complex problem - AND learn something in the process. It's a thing of beauty really.

I did notice today though, that I have fallen back into some negative thought patterns. I've allowed others' actions to influence me for the negative... but I also haven't meditated at all. Bad choice.

Tomorrow, my journey to inner peace continues. Tonight, I meditate before bed - and again tomorrow before I leave for work. MUST start this weekend on a good note. Remember friends... no one can MAKE you feel a certain way. Those thoughts are thoughts you allowed to creep into your own head. You ARE your own worst critic. Be positive. Lift yourself up. You're worth it!

Dear Day From Hell...

Dear Day From Hell,

Please go away and never grace my door ever, ever again. Beginning work with a 2 hour delay was not what it should have been. First, what's the point of a delay if you wake everyone up early anyway? As you can see - that note began a dominoe effect that consumed my entire day.

And .... moving on.... I'm going to go dance or punch or kick or walk away my frustrations, eat something with my good friend, Lilly, then come home and crash! I'm pooped!

Sorry I'm completely drained of happy thoughts at the moment. If I'm feeling inspired after the work out - I'll write more then.

Scissors!!

Former Life Killed By Killer Humming Birds

I'm sure I've got you perplexed. I received an email from my cousin yesterday. I believe it explains the reason for my dream. I'll go into her email a little bit more after I tell you the basics of the dream.

There had been an outbreak of storms. I was running through a small town, from one house to another - from small business to small business. I didn't know anyone in the town and quite honestly, I don't remember who I was running through the town with.

I do remember though - that I was panicked! I felt like death was right around the corner. The person I was with was standing right next to me and continued to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. All of a sudden, outside I saw sun start to come out - until it turned to a bright blue sky. As I took a closer look at one of the trees, I saw it was a floral tree. These flowers were very unusual though. They were like cocoons of a sort. After contemplating these flowers for a few minutes, I saw them begin to move.

Squinting and shaking my head in disbelief, I saw the flowers give birth to what I feared was a killer humming bird. I mean - the whole thing was so weird to me. Flowers don't give birth to birds! Then the panic really hit me. They were headed right for me. Sheer terror streamed through my body - and I ran. A total of three beautiful birds were headed my way, but the strangest thing happened. The closer they got, the more calm I felt... until they arrived. Three tiny "killer" humming birds carried me. One on each leg and one at the neck. Peace enveloped my entire being. Not just my body, but my soul as well. I've never felt such a feeling of peace.

I was in a country store when the birds came for me. The person standing next to me handed me his/her cell phone and said simply, "your dad." I called my daddy. I wasn't sad at all. I reassured him and told him I wouldn't be back, but that I loved him and that I was happier than I'd ever been. I pushed "end" and woke up.

Below, in quotes, is the email Tenneva (my cousin) sent me:

"All I can say right now is WELCOME BACK!!!!

Ok, so I lied I can say a lot more and I will...

When I say welcome back I mean welcome back to your freedom...of expressing yourself the way you know how, feeling what your are meant to feel, saying what you want to say, and being the woman that God made you to be. He chose for you to be a certain type of person and some where along the way, as we all do, you got lost and now I get to say WELCOME BACK!!

I have known you all my life, which is almost all of yours :), and I have seen you go through your journey of life. Many times I wished I could be just like you, many times I wished I could step in and take over to help you through. Many times I was blessed to be by your side, and many more I have been blessed to have you by my side.

The growth I have seen in you is amazing. I love that you are taking a stand for yourself and beginning to live your life the way it was meant to be lived."

Ok dream analyzers.... this one is easy. Goodbye to chains, living life in the box, being defined by others.... hello to an amazing life of freedom, of choices, of joy in all situations.

I love you, Ninny. Thank you for your encouragement, your smile, your time, your support and always - your love.

Breathe IN... Breathe OUT

I'm becoming more aware every day what an impact our mind plays on our well being in every way. If you haven't guessed... that's pretty much the focus of my blog.

Last night, I lay in my bed... alone. Red and Cream flowered flannel pants with a mis-matched baby blue long sleeved T-shirt. My socks - dragging the covers with me whichever way my feet twitched. Becoming hotter and hotter with every flip and flop from discomfort or from the ramblings of my mind.

All of a sudden, I feel a certain something I haven't felt in about four months. I felt... achy. Like - sinus infection, feverish achy. For those of you who don't know, I have had chronic sinus infections most of my life. They were crippling. Every time I had one felt like the flu. I had sinus surgery to fix said ailment though.

It was 1:09 when my mind finally said, "Enough is enough. Let's do this thing." My mind went back to a massage I had from an acquaintance of mine. Her name is Zan. I thought the entire massage was incredibly hokey when I was going through it, but my mind was much more closed than it is now. Every time she would apply pressure to my back, she would tell me to exhale all negativity to the universe. I wanted to giggle.

But as this came back to me last night, I realized that this is an exercise of the mind. And my mind needed a bit of a work-out. I started working in specifics as I began my meditation. Meditation is basically just silence... focus on breathing. And as I breathed in, I began to speak positive things into my life such as health, prosperity, mental well being, etc... And as I exhaled, each breath was to rid something negative from my life - past hurt, illness, mediocrity, etc...

Not only did the tossing and turning, flipping and flopping cease - but I also fell right to sleep. And might I say, although I woke up at my normal time - I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day.

Namaste

What You Think About - You Bring About

I really hope I don't put anyone off by using them as an example. Truth is - I have plenty of examples of myself doing these same things, but I'm really trying not to focus on my past failings (hence bringing forth more.) So, I choose to focus on others. Hope that's ok.

I've seen it happen time and time again. People speak their fears right into the realm of what's real. Tonight, for instance... A co-worker was talked into hosting a Super Bowl party. I heard her say on more than one occasion, "People better come because I was talked into hosting this thing. If people don't come, I'm gonna be shitty." Guess what? I'll let you read between the lines.

Our Christmas party, my roommate was SO anxious. "I'm so worried no one is going to show up." I kept reassuring her that we would have people show up and I couldn't understand her fear. In my mind and with everything in me, I knew that "IF WE HELD THE PARTY, THEY WOULD COME." LOL. Sure enough - time for the party came and went and close to 90% of the people who came were people I invited. Why? Because I kept putting it out there that they would. It really never even crossed my mind that people wouldn't show.

The part that so many people miss is the "believing it part." You can vocalize that you WILL get a job or you WILL make that promotion all day long, but unless you believe it to the very core of you - it will be empty words. So what does that mean? We have to believe that we are powerful enough to bring it about - our minds - our bodies - our souls ... they're powerful tools. Learn to use them. Learn to believe. In you.

"Good Girls Rarely Make History"

The title of this post is a conversation had between a friend of mine - and myself. He's an ego-maniac as most professional sports players are. And he can't STAND the fact that I... little old me... wouldn't want to be with the likes of him. I mean - after all... he IS a sports god. *SMH*

I could go in to the many (and fairly obvious) reasons I wouldn't want to be with said football player, but I won't. Instead - I'll focus on my response to him. It flowed out of my mouth like butter. Melted butter. Yuck! Better analogy, anyone? Onward... I replied, "I, unlike you, am not in this to make history... I just want to make a difference." Now, if in the process I make history, I'm not gonna be mad about it. Ego is ego - and yep. Even mine needs stroked from time to time.

Is it true though? Good girls really rarely make history?? Click to see for yourself. I think I'll stick with the path that I'm on. I'd rather work my way to the top and be known for my work than to sleep my way to the top and be known as a whore.

I'm just sayin...

Calender Girls

I'm sitting here watching "Calendar Girls"... well, actually it's just over. I loved that movie the first time I saw it - probably close to 5 years ago. What an amazing display of comfort with your own body, a complete embrace of aging gracefully and loving who and what you've become. Each character bringing her own unique qualities that make her beautiful.

I think the thing I enjoy the most, though - is the independence I see in each of their spirits. Their knowing that they are complete in themselves. It's a journey and I hope it doesn't take me 60 years to get to that point. I've just recognized this silent strength in myself... and I love her.

I've spent the last 15 years of my life trying to nurture men. Most of those men have had some sort of mommy complex or another. Some wanting me to wipe their ass (figuratively speaking of course) and others wanting me to spank it (their ass that is.) Now - it's time for me. I've tried to make men love me through my nurturing nature. It's so true that everything that happens to you - you draw to yourself. I put out there that I love to nurture... and I sure get to! LOL!!

And now - a new chapter begins. This chapter entitled, "This One's For The GIRL." The next chapter in my life - it's about me. I don't think I'll ever be able to be completely selfish. It's not in my nature. But I can and I choose to live my life for the betterment of me.

What have you done for you lately? Think about it - and if you have to think too hard. Do something today. A bubble bath, a pedicure, some time with just you and a book... something, anything. As long as it's for you.

Blessings - this day and always.

The REAL Calendar Girls

Ahhhh... technology

It seems simple enough. I don't know why it seems simple enough to me and not to everyone else. There seems to be this paralyzing fear that goes along with technology and I can't quite grasp it. Why is it that the thing that keeps springing us forward immobilizes some?

Scenario: I go in to work early. Why? I'm proctoring a test for the next 2 weeks and am responsible for pretty much all aspects of said test. If a student is put in to the system wrong - while it may not be my "fault" - it's my responsibility to fix it. I went in early to make sure that the 7 classes taking tests for the next 3 days were all correct. Every last student... 7 classes of about 22-23 students.

About 4 classes into this project, a co-worker comes and tells me that someone can't log in to their powerschool account (short expl. is it's an educational database). I know from the very deepest part of me that it's one of those immobilizers... something super easy that now takes 10 minutes away from my project that I came in early just to FOCUS on.

And... of course. It's something stupid. "I can't get on the internet." Ok, folks. Internet and Intranet... 2 TOTALLY different things. You don't need to google anything. You need to access our INTRAnet to get on to powerschool. TYPE IN THE FREAKING ADDRESS AND TRY IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

Have I explained this before? Yessss.... multiple times. And I'm over it of course. I just wish people would not live life in fear so much. What's the worse that could have happened if she had typed in http://ps.imagineschools.com/ ?? It wouldn't have come up... In which case, a call to me would have been warranted.

Or - another scenario: A teacher calls me and keeps me on the phone for 10 minutes. I have to walk her through how to fill out an online help desk ticket. Quesion one - "Amber, I have that email you sent about the ticket, but it's asking for a password." In my head, "BS!" Out loud- "uhhhhh, did you click the link that is in the email I sent?" Her, "well, noooo." Me, "*sigh* Click the link (fill in name)." Her, "OHHHH." Me, *SMH* Her, "Can you walk me through what these fields mean?" Me *SMH and Sigh* Her, "Do I need to put anything in this field that's asking for a computer service tag number?" Me, "Are you putting a ticket in for a computer or an overhead projector, (fill in name)?" Her, "An overhead." Me (said dripping with sarcasm), "then I'm gonna go with a big N-O."

How does fear inhibit you? Make yourself aware. Today may be your last. Don't let fear stop you from enjoying everything around you. Just LIVE!!

My best/your best

Small note - I was playing a game online tonight... trying to psych myself into a state of slumber... And kept expecting the best - and as I expected, I expected myself to keep on expecting the best - and the more I did expect - the more I got... not just from the game, but also from myself.

I guess just an observation of me. I've read The Secret and other such books - sometimes 2 and 3 times... thinking "I can get (fill in the blank) out of life." Not once did I examine what I might gain just from myself from giving my all.

Good stuffs.

Goooood Morning, Sunshine.

Day 1 - No caffiene. Argh...
*I'm not gonna be grumpy.* *I'm NOT gonna be grumpy.*

It's water all day, every day until the Super Bowl. Well, maybe not Super Bowl. Polina just invited me over for sushi - and Ben makes a killer Cosmo - and lemon drop... that'll be my one drink for that day... and I'll savor every drop ;)

It's amazing how dumping the garbage from your life makes you feel so much lighter. I mean.. really!! People who are toxic or just make you feel icky for no real reason, things you put in your body, thoughts you allow to circulate through your mind... The US is one big toxic dump.

Take some time to think today. About you, your blessings, the people that matter - make today count... this minute. RIGHT NOW.

A new beginning

After a hellacious previous 5 years - I no longer OWN those 5 years. They are PAST me and I am and will continue to be focused on today.

It started out great last night - which carried over to today. I even woke up and felt the need to dress like I cared. That says a lot. Mucho thanks to my pal Michelle Lilly. Funny how life - and our own spirits - bring people by at just the right time.

Life is beauty and I refuse to see it as anything less than that. I'm surrounded by it every day in the 20some classrooms around me. Tormented lives, joyful lives, haunted lives, careless lives... but all full of some form of potential. Potential to be and to take every breath for what it is... a blessing.

Count yours today - if you can.