"Chaos is a friend of mine"

Bob Dylan quoted that... "Chaos is a friend of mine." She's a friend of mine too, Bob! A very close, personal friend. A thorn in my side but one I've grown awkwardly fond of. She's that dull roar of pain... You know the pain. The one that is a reminder that you're still breathing.

I've had the most upside down, inside out, crazy, hectic, fart in a whirlwind kind of day imaginable. And.....I love it.

That's all I got tonight, folks. Happy reading. Happy living. Happy Chaos to you and yours ;-)

Let it be what it is.

Friends call on me... every day. Sometimes twice. They ask for an update. I give it. My latest update was one they expected to hear with tears behind it. But they were met with less than their expectation. Why? Because the truth is I wanted to have control over who loved who... and I don't. I don't control the energy that flows. I don't control that glance she gave him to let him know "I dig you." And I don't control the mind in him that let that glance take him to a place called confusion and indifference.

I don't control.

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow, maybe it will be something different and maybe it will be more of the same. Maybe it will be an escalated version of the same or perhaps a deflated version of different...

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow I let it be what it is. Until it's something that it's not anymore... if that ever happens. And if that happens, then I can let it be what it will be OR it can be a different version of what is. Perhaps a happier version in my world... or... perhaps I could be the one that finds true happiness out of all this in a form, in a shape, in a color, in a different vividness that I never imagined existed.

I don't speculate. I just live. Now. This minute. This second. I let it be what it is.

The reality of realizations

Today, my reality became clear. I'd been holding onto a man who clearly had decided to move on. I started thinking about my last post and how that was preventing me from living. I can't live in the past unless my past somehow becomes my present again... And I don't know. Maybe some day it will... but if it doesn't, I can't sit like I did this past weekend. My heart was truly bleeding. I supposed neither of us quite realized how I felt for him, but that doesn't change the reality that it WAS felt.

I haven't had that feeling in 3 years. More than 3 years. And I'm thankful for the love given to me and I'm grateful that he trusted me to love him in return. I still do, but it's time to turn that romantic love into filios. Still a man I'd walk to the ends of the earth for, but someone else out there is looking for me and my heart is searching for him... and hopefully one day soon they'll join and spark... AND THEN... ignite.

It will happen.

Reality bites. But, love is a risk.

So for now, I have to walk away. I love you and I send good thoughts your way every time I think of you.

Random thought for the night

I want to be thin enough to have my own style... which I do. I want to be a walking piece of art. Society dictates to me now that I must this and I must that. I now have a new motivation drop the weight. Behind the fat - - - is me!

Free me

I had an epiphany today. I was driving Polina's car to the gym... and I was reflecting on a statement I made to Adam after he gave me the news that he was interested in someone else. That statement was something like this: Adam, this is what I do! I make impulsive decisions and it ends up biting me in the ass every time." And I think I also said something about my being a free spirit by nature, but life has made me what I coined a free spirited realist. If I didn't - I thought about writing it, but my brain was moving at warp speed.

My epiphany was this: "Amber, have you been happy since you've started letting life dictate how you live?" HOLY SHIT. That's not living. I need need need to live. I need to live from my heart and from my spirit and I need to do it - dive both feet first. Sure I might break an ankle, but I also won't feel the crispness of life standing on the shore. I fear. I fear a lot. But a life ruled by it is not a life at all.

Since the last blog I wrote about music, I've rediscovered my roots. I've fallen for an art form and I'm going to do something with it. My grandfather wrote a song years before he passed away and it's a gospel song - but the chords are so haunting and beautiful that I feel it would betray him not to learn it. And when I get back from Freeport, I'm moving the piano to Ben and Polina's. I'm going to teach myself. I have the talent. I have the voice. I have the passion. I'm going to combine the three to make dynomite - even if it's just for me. Me.... is enough.

I've posted the lyrics to a song I've heard before - but tonight with eyes wide open to my mind AND my heart - I let it in... and it's a part of me now. Now I share them with you:

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

Love to all.

She's Baaaaack

I have to get back to the me that I once was. I know this to be true - life is what YOU make of it. It's not about what others bring to the game. It's about how you perceive the game. You can drag your feet through it and see every dart that's been and is being zinged at you at Mach 5.... or .... you can pay attention to those darts - turn your world into the Matrix and slow things down. Observe. It's funny that when you observe, reallllly pay attention - you can change things.

I observed my life today. I had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I started to wonder if I'll be blessed with the joys that come with finding mine. You know - not the perfect man, but the man who's perfect for me. And maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I do know this. I've been alive for 33 years. 34 in a couple of months. And the people who have touched my life, selflessly given, loved me in spite of my MANY faults and failures ... those people never cease to amaze me. I'm so amazed because when I see my faults, they're magnified 100x. Why? Because they're mine. And how can ANYONE love me with all this crap that continually happens? But they do. And I'm blessed.

I've tried getting through the last week a number of ways. Staying busy, listening to music, going out and putting effort into looking the way I'm supposed to feel about myself all the time... Music ..... makes time stand still. It can make you laugh, for sure it can make you cry. It can make you want to throw shit, hit someone, or just curl up in the lap of the person you love and tell them all the things you should have said. It can bring back the most bittersweet memories and make you smile through the tears because of the joy you felt when you heard that song with your partner, mother, brother, daddy.....

So much of my life has revolved around chords, strumming, black keys, white keys, flats, sharps and the love of people. Music is what brought us together and in its honor, every time we were together, there was a note played, a song sung. It's powerful. It's a time machine that takes you back to the day you were sitting on Papaw's knee and he showed you how to hold a guitar for the first time. It's sitting on Mamaw Clarkston's piano with your brother at a young age and for the first time in the 3 hours we were at her house - we weren't fighting... we were playing Chopsticks. Peace. My mother's dedication to me when I lost what I thought was the love of my life... I cherish every memory. I've attached links to some of the songs that have impacted me in my life.

And so, with a grateful heart - good night, world. Make memories, keep them alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQPBk0RD8d0 - The first time I ever heard my dad curse. He spilled coke all over his lap in the Hardee's drive through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06OP--FJTBo - Our family sitting at Opryland listening to what I then thought to be likely the best song EVER :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6poo__S2h8 - Bluegrass, but absolutely heartfelt. My mother's song to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY - the song my Grandma and Grandpa Powers would ALWAYS play... regardless. If we came, they played this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qeKNdAdGhc - one of many Acapella songs playing on Saturday mornings as we all cleaned house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1lTdWhi6-g&feature=fvw - My first "ah-ha" moment that I have no reason to EVER complain. These children are in the most impoverished, destitute conditions and yet you can see through their eyes that their souls are still smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsjZWlRVvo - first dance with my ex-husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU&ob=av2e - this is the song I would sing at the top of my lungs in my car as I was going through my divorce. Directed at 3 people. My parents and my what was then - soon to be ex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw - the last song I heard my mommy sing - with her frail hands lifted to the sky, still worshiping her God through all her pain.

Back on the horse

So - tonight I decided to snap out of my funk (for real) and make myself go have a good night. I have to admit I wasn't crazy about the whole idea before I got out... but once I was there and had the first Blue Moon under my belt - it was all good.

I hate starting over though... blech. Refocus.

I missed talking to my girl SVN tonight (Veronica)... That makes me sad. I'm thinking my next trip after Freeport is going to be down to Austin to go see her. Miss her big time.

I have to say ... I'm SOOOOO incredibly blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and who are able and willing to drag me out even when I don't wanna go. It proved to be an excellent idea. Thanks Greg! Way to be wingman!! :) Next time, Talbott Street. It's been too long!

Exhausted - and hoping for a solid night of sleep. Till tomorrow.