Red Pill or Blue Pill?

Well, I hate to piss on everyone's parade - but once you take the red pill, you can't go back. They say knowledge is power and the proverbial body of "they" are right. However, I'm still sitting here in my bed, weeks later, shaking my head to see if this power is one I truly wanted. The biggest part of me is glad to have the knowledge and capacity to understand that which 90% of the world does not.... the other 10% just wanted to be able to wake up this morning, completely oblivious to all the BS that society really wants us to believe. I wanted to wake up this morning and be able smile as I got ready for church... for really no other reason than to make my daddy proud... but I can't anymore. For SO long, I have lived a lie that is not me. For what purpose did I live that lie? To make others falsely proud of me. To live up to the image that friends and family had painted in their minds...

And it is with this knowledge - this new found image of me - that I am pouring myself into a new book. I have attempted writing this book for literally years now. However, I get to a few pages and run out of things to say. This time - my fingers won't stop walking. My mind won't stop reeling.

I had to call my good friend P to ask her how the heck her ADHD husband ever finishes a book with his ADHD mind. My new creation is turning more into a disaster than my hoped for masterpiece. However, she gave me a good tip which I am utilizing this weekend. Wish me luck. Send good vibes my way...

Much love :)

Quite Proud

So, today I made a radical (for me) change in my morning habits. I normally sleep as late as possible (which is about an hour before I have to leave the house.) It takes me only about 10 minutes to throw my clothes on and run a brush through my hair, but I require many distractions 1st thing in the morning in order to wake myself properly. First - the shower. Shock myself into a state of alterness. Second - must sit on the bed for 20-30 minutes, depending on how long the shower took, watching TV or playing on facebook/email. If I end up taking 40 minutes, there's a mad rush. Much throwing of shirts, jeans, socks, shirts... my daily ensembles rarely make any sense.

This morning: Set alarm for 6:15. Shower for 10 minutes. Dress myself. Head down the stairs, hoping my hair dries on its own (not so much.) Get the groceries out of the refrigerator that I purchased last night, specifically for this morning's breakfast. Make a decent breakfast - instead of stopping at McDonalds. See, I understand the importance of breakfast (especially for me). It gets my day off on the right foot. However the gross feeling I had every morning as I skeeted off from the McD's drive through - it had to change. And only one person could do that.

Beginning this morning, breakfast will be the biggest meal of the day for me. Today's menu: Eggs (2) over medium. Toast. Bacon. Southern cut potatoes. Yes, over kill on the carbs... one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be fresh fruit, a mini bagel and a yogurt... and I plan to alternate until it's time to do all over again (the shopping that is.)

Oh - side note. Why is it that I never ever used to pay attention to the way food sounded when it was being eaten, but now that I know my uncle can't STAND the way chips sound if a noisey eater is eating them... it bugs the HELL out of me! Carrots, celery, chips, popcorn... and then my all time loathe - the smacking of lips while eating... god, it makes me want to throw up!!! This last part was for free. Thank me later.

Happy eats. Take care of yourself - today and always!

Sweet Satisfaction

I promise this is not a blog about men... but I just have to share this small little tid bit. I LOVE being right. Ladies, follow your gut. It's right, it's innate, listen to your soul!!!!!!

Too many times, we destroy ourselves looking for the good in others. Don't fall victim to yourself.

Nuff said.

Brain Farts

OK, I must admit. I lost my "Ask and It Is Given" book for about 2 weeks. I just found it today, thankfully. As soon as I opened it up, I read this:

"Whatever you are giving your attention to causes you to emit a vibration, and the vibrations that you offer equal your asking, which equals your point of attraction."

Mannnnn..... I learned all this about 3 years ago. Why am I so bubble headed?! So, here we have a situation. Mystery man... I'm focused on mind games, focused on confusion, focused on what is not.... and...... TA DA!!!! I got - nothing. On top of the fact that I held expectations (and not intentions) which, of course, left me disappointed.

Mystery man and I still talk. I just need to figure out #1 - is he where I need him to be? (aka - is he good relationship material... really REALLY good). #2 - regardless... I believe him to be good friendship material. My intention, no matter whom the lucky man may be, is to develop healthy friendships with some folks. I believe in friendships you find out who people really are, what their motives are... and if something naturally evolves with him, then it does. And if not with him, I will draw the right friend - who will, in turn, become my "homey, lover, friend." :-D

'Tis all.

In my silence

Tonight, I watched my brother and sister-in-law's 2 young'ins. The wanted romance from the last 8 months of yesterdays came to a screeching halt last night. "We can be friends" was the last thing I remember... then I cried myself to sleep.

I miss his texts, as confusing as they were. I miss his calls, even though they left me wondering - and wanting him more. But - I did it. I put a stop to it. To the mind games, intended or unintended. And thank God he was honest enough to be straight forward with me.

But tonight, as I sit here in silence, I wonder - who is it that's out there thinking of me tonight? Who is it whose world I've changed for the better? My phone sits silent next to me. Do I need constant interruption to feel important? Tonight is a meditative night. I need my meditation music and my breathing... and I need to focus on me. The me that *I* need to love - first and foremost.

And so, onward I blindly stumble...

When life hands you lemons.... LOVE???

I taught myself a lesson tonight on accident. Gotta love it when that happens. And there were no casualties in this lesson learned - even better!

I've been pining over a guy for a while.... June will be a year. I messed it up early in the "relationship" and have been paying for it, emotionally, ever since. Tonight - I'm hoping I put an end to it. I'm at the "shit or get off the pot" stage right now. I'm 33, I know what I want, I know I'm an amazing partner. No doubt a catch in most areas.

I'm not desperate, but I *AM* done pining over someone if he has no romantic interest in me. I refuse to feel sluggish or down or mopey anymore because of a guy who may or may not want me... a guy who may or may not like to dangle a carrot.

It was one of those nights tonight. After my very nice dinner with NayNay and most excellent conversation - I got a text from my mystery caller.... and I ended up laying it all on the table. I'm sticking to my guns - although I realize that this may be "it."

So, while feeling all droopy and lethargic... I began to count my blessings. And I began to act on those blessings by letting people know what they mean to me. Not drippy sweet or anything. But by letting people know you love them, you experience love... and in that, I realized that I am loved. While I may not be loved by the man of my choosing right now - I am loved. And that's alright by me.

Did you ever?

My cousin just posted something on facebook. Her quote goes like this: "Have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen?"

My answer? Why yes! Yes I have! And guess what? It can.

I went out with my friend Vik (Viktoria) today. We had sushi, I got my nose pierced, got a tat in memory of my momma. Anyone who knows me knows I'm broke as broke can be so why the heck?! Because. Because I never treat myself and by god, I deserve it. My roommate responded with a roll of the eyes. My friend Jason wanted to know if I was going through my midlife crisis a weee bit early. NAY!

Life is what you make it. And I WILL live. Every single day, I will live. So, have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen? Then MAKE it happen. Don't just want it to. I've just started that bucket list early. What can you cross off yours today?

Little Inspirations

I don't know about you, but sometimes I wonder to myself if I'll remember the little things when it's my time to pass from this life to the next. And exactly what little things will I remember? Will I remember the hurt I faced? God, I hope not. What I hope to remember are the little laughs... or the hearty laughs shared with family and friends.

I want to remember the drunken stoopers that cause us to fall to our knees and slam our heads against solid concrete in the Bahamas.

I want to remember the belly laughing virus - you know the one... OH, YOU KNOW! The one where it's not that funny... and days later, you don't really remember what you and your friend were laughing about... But you remember laughing with your friend... 'till it hurt. Until you cried. It's not what you laughed about that mattered. It's the time. It's the joy.

I want to remember walking into the hospital room to see my niece for the first time. I want to remember flying over Vegas at night for the first time. My first real kiss, my first true love, and all the good that surrounds it.

Take the time to solidify that moment into your memory today. Many times I take the time to just say to myself, "Remember this moment. It's one of the important ones." It's not the big moments that make them important... they just have to mean something to you. No regrets.

Just Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it go!

Yes, from the words of MA$E... Just breathe, stretch, shake, let it go! Did he just get out of a yoga class after writing those lyrics, I wonder?

I actually had started this blog at about 8:00 this morning. It's now 11pm - but by god - I'm doing it!

Crazy hairy day, but better than yesterday by far. My biggest accomplishment (I won't bore you with the details) today was a 4 hour battle with Security Tool... in short... it's malware. Never in my life have I fought with such determination... and WON! That's right, the victory was mine. These are the days I enjoy my job. I fix a complex problem - AND learn something in the process. It's a thing of beauty really.

I did notice today though, that I have fallen back into some negative thought patterns. I've allowed others' actions to influence me for the negative... but I also haven't meditated at all. Bad choice.

Tomorrow, my journey to inner peace continues. Tonight, I meditate before bed - and again tomorrow before I leave for work. MUST start this weekend on a good note. Remember friends... no one can MAKE you feel a certain way. Those thoughts are thoughts you allowed to creep into your own head. You ARE your own worst critic. Be positive. Lift yourself up. You're worth it!

Dear Day From Hell...

Dear Day From Hell,

Please go away and never grace my door ever, ever again. Beginning work with a 2 hour delay was not what it should have been. First, what's the point of a delay if you wake everyone up early anyway? As you can see - that note began a dominoe effect that consumed my entire day.

And .... moving on.... I'm going to go dance or punch or kick or walk away my frustrations, eat something with my good friend, Lilly, then come home and crash! I'm pooped!

Sorry I'm completely drained of happy thoughts at the moment. If I'm feeling inspired after the work out - I'll write more then.

Scissors!!

Former Life Killed By Killer Humming Birds

I'm sure I've got you perplexed. I received an email from my cousin yesterday. I believe it explains the reason for my dream. I'll go into her email a little bit more after I tell you the basics of the dream.

There had been an outbreak of storms. I was running through a small town, from one house to another - from small business to small business. I didn't know anyone in the town and quite honestly, I don't remember who I was running through the town with.

I do remember though - that I was panicked! I felt like death was right around the corner. The person I was with was standing right next to me and continued to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. All of a sudden, outside I saw sun start to come out - until it turned to a bright blue sky. As I took a closer look at one of the trees, I saw it was a floral tree. These flowers were very unusual though. They were like cocoons of a sort. After contemplating these flowers for a few minutes, I saw them begin to move.

Squinting and shaking my head in disbelief, I saw the flowers give birth to what I feared was a killer humming bird. I mean - the whole thing was so weird to me. Flowers don't give birth to birds! Then the panic really hit me. They were headed right for me. Sheer terror streamed through my body - and I ran. A total of three beautiful birds were headed my way, but the strangest thing happened. The closer they got, the more calm I felt... until they arrived. Three tiny "killer" humming birds carried me. One on each leg and one at the neck. Peace enveloped my entire being. Not just my body, but my soul as well. I've never felt such a feeling of peace.

I was in a country store when the birds came for me. The person standing next to me handed me his/her cell phone and said simply, "your dad." I called my daddy. I wasn't sad at all. I reassured him and told him I wouldn't be back, but that I loved him and that I was happier than I'd ever been. I pushed "end" and woke up.

Below, in quotes, is the email Tenneva (my cousin) sent me:

"All I can say right now is WELCOME BACK!!!!

Ok, so I lied I can say a lot more and I will...

When I say welcome back I mean welcome back to your freedom...of expressing yourself the way you know how, feeling what your are meant to feel, saying what you want to say, and being the woman that God made you to be. He chose for you to be a certain type of person and some where along the way, as we all do, you got lost and now I get to say WELCOME BACK!!

I have known you all my life, which is almost all of yours :), and I have seen you go through your journey of life. Many times I wished I could be just like you, many times I wished I could step in and take over to help you through. Many times I was blessed to be by your side, and many more I have been blessed to have you by my side.

The growth I have seen in you is amazing. I love that you are taking a stand for yourself and beginning to live your life the way it was meant to be lived."

Ok dream analyzers.... this one is easy. Goodbye to chains, living life in the box, being defined by others.... hello to an amazing life of freedom, of choices, of joy in all situations.

I love you, Ninny. Thank you for your encouragement, your smile, your time, your support and always - your love.

Breathe IN... Breathe OUT

I'm becoming more aware every day what an impact our mind plays on our well being in every way. If you haven't guessed... that's pretty much the focus of my blog.

Last night, I lay in my bed... alone. Red and Cream flowered flannel pants with a mis-matched baby blue long sleeved T-shirt. My socks - dragging the covers with me whichever way my feet twitched. Becoming hotter and hotter with every flip and flop from discomfort or from the ramblings of my mind.

All of a sudden, I feel a certain something I haven't felt in about four months. I felt... achy. Like - sinus infection, feverish achy. For those of you who don't know, I have had chronic sinus infections most of my life. They were crippling. Every time I had one felt like the flu. I had sinus surgery to fix said ailment though.

It was 1:09 when my mind finally said, "Enough is enough. Let's do this thing." My mind went back to a massage I had from an acquaintance of mine. Her name is Zan. I thought the entire massage was incredibly hokey when I was going through it, but my mind was much more closed than it is now. Every time she would apply pressure to my back, she would tell me to exhale all negativity to the universe. I wanted to giggle.

But as this came back to me last night, I realized that this is an exercise of the mind. And my mind needed a bit of a work-out. I started working in specifics as I began my meditation. Meditation is basically just silence... focus on breathing. And as I breathed in, I began to speak positive things into my life such as health, prosperity, mental well being, etc... And as I exhaled, each breath was to rid something negative from my life - past hurt, illness, mediocrity, etc...

Not only did the tossing and turning, flipping and flopping cease - but I also fell right to sleep. And might I say, although I woke up at my normal time - I woke up refreshed and ready to start my day.

Namaste

What You Think About - You Bring About

I really hope I don't put anyone off by using them as an example. Truth is - I have plenty of examples of myself doing these same things, but I'm really trying not to focus on my past failings (hence bringing forth more.) So, I choose to focus on others. Hope that's ok.

I've seen it happen time and time again. People speak their fears right into the realm of what's real. Tonight, for instance... A co-worker was talked into hosting a Super Bowl party. I heard her say on more than one occasion, "People better come because I was talked into hosting this thing. If people don't come, I'm gonna be shitty." Guess what? I'll let you read between the lines.

Our Christmas party, my roommate was SO anxious. "I'm so worried no one is going to show up." I kept reassuring her that we would have people show up and I couldn't understand her fear. In my mind and with everything in me, I knew that "IF WE HELD THE PARTY, THEY WOULD COME." LOL. Sure enough - time for the party came and went and close to 90% of the people who came were people I invited. Why? Because I kept putting it out there that they would. It really never even crossed my mind that people wouldn't show.

The part that so many people miss is the "believing it part." You can vocalize that you WILL get a job or you WILL make that promotion all day long, but unless you believe it to the very core of you - it will be empty words. So what does that mean? We have to believe that we are powerful enough to bring it about - our minds - our bodies - our souls ... they're powerful tools. Learn to use them. Learn to believe. In you.

"Good Girls Rarely Make History"

The title of this post is a conversation had between a friend of mine - and myself. He's an ego-maniac as most professional sports players are. And he can't STAND the fact that I... little old me... wouldn't want to be with the likes of him. I mean - after all... he IS a sports god. *SMH*

I could go in to the many (and fairly obvious) reasons I wouldn't want to be with said football player, but I won't. Instead - I'll focus on my response to him. It flowed out of my mouth like butter. Melted butter. Yuck! Better analogy, anyone? Onward... I replied, "I, unlike you, am not in this to make history... I just want to make a difference." Now, if in the process I make history, I'm not gonna be mad about it. Ego is ego - and yep. Even mine needs stroked from time to time.

Is it true though? Good girls really rarely make history?? Click to see for yourself. I think I'll stick with the path that I'm on. I'd rather work my way to the top and be known for my work than to sleep my way to the top and be known as a whore.

I'm just sayin...

Calender Girls

I'm sitting here watching "Calendar Girls"... well, actually it's just over. I loved that movie the first time I saw it - probably close to 5 years ago. What an amazing display of comfort with your own body, a complete embrace of aging gracefully and loving who and what you've become. Each character bringing her own unique qualities that make her beautiful.

I think the thing I enjoy the most, though - is the independence I see in each of their spirits. Their knowing that they are complete in themselves. It's a journey and I hope it doesn't take me 60 years to get to that point. I've just recognized this silent strength in myself... and I love her.

I've spent the last 15 years of my life trying to nurture men. Most of those men have had some sort of mommy complex or another. Some wanting me to wipe their ass (figuratively speaking of course) and others wanting me to spank it (their ass that is.) Now - it's time for me. I've tried to make men love me through my nurturing nature. It's so true that everything that happens to you - you draw to yourself. I put out there that I love to nurture... and I sure get to! LOL!!

And now - a new chapter begins. This chapter entitled, "This One's For The GIRL." The next chapter in my life - it's about me. I don't think I'll ever be able to be completely selfish. It's not in my nature. But I can and I choose to live my life for the betterment of me.

What have you done for you lately? Think about it - and if you have to think too hard. Do something today. A bubble bath, a pedicure, some time with just you and a book... something, anything. As long as it's for you.

Blessings - this day and always.

The REAL Calendar Girls

Ahhhh... technology

It seems simple enough. I don't know why it seems simple enough to me and not to everyone else. There seems to be this paralyzing fear that goes along with technology and I can't quite grasp it. Why is it that the thing that keeps springing us forward immobilizes some?

Scenario: I go in to work early. Why? I'm proctoring a test for the next 2 weeks and am responsible for pretty much all aspects of said test. If a student is put in to the system wrong - while it may not be my "fault" - it's my responsibility to fix it. I went in early to make sure that the 7 classes taking tests for the next 3 days were all correct. Every last student... 7 classes of about 22-23 students.

About 4 classes into this project, a co-worker comes and tells me that someone can't log in to their powerschool account (short expl. is it's an educational database). I know from the very deepest part of me that it's one of those immobilizers... something super easy that now takes 10 minutes away from my project that I came in early just to FOCUS on.

And... of course. It's something stupid. "I can't get on the internet." Ok, folks. Internet and Intranet... 2 TOTALLY different things. You don't need to google anything. You need to access our INTRAnet to get on to powerschool. TYPE IN THE FREAKING ADDRESS AND TRY IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

Have I explained this before? Yessss.... multiple times. And I'm over it of course. I just wish people would not live life in fear so much. What's the worse that could have happened if she had typed in http://ps.imagineschools.com/ ?? It wouldn't have come up... In which case, a call to me would have been warranted.

Or - another scenario: A teacher calls me and keeps me on the phone for 10 minutes. I have to walk her through how to fill out an online help desk ticket. Quesion one - "Amber, I have that email you sent about the ticket, but it's asking for a password." In my head, "BS!" Out loud- "uhhhhh, did you click the link that is in the email I sent?" Her, "well, noooo." Me, "*sigh* Click the link (fill in name)." Her, "OHHHH." Me, *SMH* Her, "Can you walk me through what these fields mean?" Me *SMH and Sigh* Her, "Do I need to put anything in this field that's asking for a computer service tag number?" Me, "Are you putting a ticket in for a computer or an overhead projector, (fill in name)?" Her, "An overhead." Me (said dripping with sarcasm), "then I'm gonna go with a big N-O."

How does fear inhibit you? Make yourself aware. Today may be your last. Don't let fear stop you from enjoying everything around you. Just LIVE!!

My best/your best

Small note - I was playing a game online tonight... trying to psych myself into a state of slumber... And kept expecting the best - and as I expected, I expected myself to keep on expecting the best - and the more I did expect - the more I got... not just from the game, but also from myself.

I guess just an observation of me. I've read The Secret and other such books - sometimes 2 and 3 times... thinking "I can get (fill in the blank) out of life." Not once did I examine what I might gain just from myself from giving my all.

Good stuffs.

Goooood Morning, Sunshine.

Day 1 - No caffiene. Argh...
*I'm not gonna be grumpy.* *I'm NOT gonna be grumpy.*

It's water all day, every day until the Super Bowl. Well, maybe not Super Bowl. Polina just invited me over for sushi - and Ben makes a killer Cosmo - and lemon drop... that'll be my one drink for that day... and I'll savor every drop ;)

It's amazing how dumping the garbage from your life makes you feel so much lighter. I mean.. really!! People who are toxic or just make you feel icky for no real reason, things you put in your body, thoughts you allow to circulate through your mind... The US is one big toxic dump.

Take some time to think today. About you, your blessings, the people that matter - make today count... this minute. RIGHT NOW.

A new beginning

After a hellacious previous 5 years - I no longer OWN those 5 years. They are PAST me and I am and will continue to be focused on today.

It started out great last night - which carried over to today. I even woke up and felt the need to dress like I cared. That says a lot. Mucho thanks to my pal Michelle Lilly. Funny how life - and our own spirits - bring people by at just the right time.

Life is beauty and I refuse to see it as anything less than that. I'm surrounded by it every day in the 20some classrooms around me. Tormented lives, joyful lives, haunted lives, careless lives... but all full of some form of potential. Potential to be and to take every breath for what it is... a blessing.

Count yours today - if you can.