Let it be what it is.

Friends call on me... every day. Sometimes twice. They ask for an update. I give it. My latest update was one they expected to hear with tears behind it. But they were met with less than their expectation. Why? Because the truth is I wanted to have control over who loved who... and I don't. I don't control the energy that flows. I don't control that glance she gave him to let him know "I dig you." And I don't control the mind in him that let that glance take him to a place called confusion and indifference.

I don't control.

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow, maybe it will be something different and maybe it will be more of the same. Maybe it will be an escalated version of the same or perhaps a deflated version of different...

So, today - I let it be what it is. And tomorrow I let it be what it is. Until it's something that it's not anymore... if that ever happens. And if that happens, then I can let it be what it will be OR it can be a different version of what is. Perhaps a happier version in my world... or... perhaps I could be the one that finds true happiness out of all this in a form, in a shape, in a color, in a different vividness that I never imagined existed.

I don't speculate. I just live. Now. This minute. This second. I let it be what it is.

The reality of realizations

Today, my reality became clear. I'd been holding onto a man who clearly had decided to move on. I started thinking about my last post and how that was preventing me from living. I can't live in the past unless my past somehow becomes my present again... And I don't know. Maybe some day it will... but if it doesn't, I can't sit like I did this past weekend. My heart was truly bleeding. I supposed neither of us quite realized how I felt for him, but that doesn't change the reality that it WAS felt.

I haven't had that feeling in 3 years. More than 3 years. And I'm thankful for the love given to me and I'm grateful that he trusted me to love him in return. I still do, but it's time to turn that romantic love into filios. Still a man I'd walk to the ends of the earth for, but someone else out there is looking for me and my heart is searching for him... and hopefully one day soon they'll join and spark... AND THEN... ignite.

It will happen.

Reality bites. But, love is a risk.

So for now, I have to walk away. I love you and I send good thoughts your way every time I think of you.

Random thought for the night

I want to be thin enough to have my own style... which I do. I want to be a walking piece of art. Society dictates to me now that I must this and I must that. I now have a new motivation drop the weight. Behind the fat - - - is me!

Free me

I had an epiphany today. I was driving Polina's car to the gym... and I was reflecting on a statement I made to Adam after he gave me the news that he was interested in someone else. That statement was something like this: Adam, this is what I do! I make impulsive decisions and it ends up biting me in the ass every time." And I think I also said something about my being a free spirit by nature, but life has made me what I coined a free spirited realist. If I didn't - I thought about writing it, but my brain was moving at warp speed.

My epiphany was this: "Amber, have you been happy since you've started letting life dictate how you live?" HOLY SHIT. That's not living. I need need need to live. I need to live from my heart and from my spirit and I need to do it - dive both feet first. Sure I might break an ankle, but I also won't feel the crispness of life standing on the shore. I fear. I fear a lot. But a life ruled by it is not a life at all.

Since the last blog I wrote about music, I've rediscovered my roots. I've fallen for an art form and I'm going to do something with it. My grandfather wrote a song years before he passed away and it's a gospel song - but the chords are so haunting and beautiful that I feel it would betray him not to learn it. And when I get back from Freeport, I'm moving the piano to Ben and Polina's. I'm going to teach myself. I have the talent. I have the voice. I have the passion. I'm going to combine the three to make dynomite - even if it's just for me. Me.... is enough.

I've posted the lyrics to a song I've heard before - but tonight with eyes wide open to my mind AND my heart - I let it in... and it's a part of me now. Now I share them with you:

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

Love to all.

She's Baaaaack

I have to get back to the me that I once was. I know this to be true - life is what YOU make of it. It's not about what others bring to the game. It's about how you perceive the game. You can drag your feet through it and see every dart that's been and is being zinged at you at Mach 5.... or .... you can pay attention to those darts - turn your world into the Matrix and slow things down. Observe. It's funny that when you observe, reallllly pay attention - you can change things.

I observed my life today. I had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I started to wonder if I'll be blessed with the joys that come with finding mine. You know - not the perfect man, but the man who's perfect for me. And maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I do know this. I've been alive for 33 years. 34 in a couple of months. And the people who have touched my life, selflessly given, loved me in spite of my MANY faults and failures ... those people never cease to amaze me. I'm so amazed because when I see my faults, they're magnified 100x. Why? Because they're mine. And how can ANYONE love me with all this crap that continually happens? But they do. And I'm blessed.

I've tried getting through the last week a number of ways. Staying busy, listening to music, going out and putting effort into looking the way I'm supposed to feel about myself all the time... Music ..... makes time stand still. It can make you laugh, for sure it can make you cry. It can make you want to throw shit, hit someone, or just curl up in the lap of the person you love and tell them all the things you should have said. It can bring back the most bittersweet memories and make you smile through the tears because of the joy you felt when you heard that song with your partner, mother, brother, daddy.....

So much of my life has revolved around chords, strumming, black keys, white keys, flats, sharps and the love of people. Music is what brought us together and in its honor, every time we were together, there was a note played, a song sung. It's powerful. It's a time machine that takes you back to the day you were sitting on Papaw's knee and he showed you how to hold a guitar for the first time. It's sitting on Mamaw Clarkston's piano with your brother at a young age and for the first time in the 3 hours we were at her house - we weren't fighting... we were playing Chopsticks. Peace. My mother's dedication to me when I lost what I thought was the love of my life... I cherish every memory. I've attached links to some of the songs that have impacted me in my life.

And so, with a grateful heart - good night, world. Make memories, keep them alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQPBk0RD8d0 - The first time I ever heard my dad curse. He spilled coke all over his lap in the Hardee's drive through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06OP--FJTBo - Our family sitting at Opryland listening to what I then thought to be likely the best song EVER :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6poo__S2h8 - Bluegrass, but absolutely heartfelt. My mother's song to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY - the song my Grandma and Grandpa Powers would ALWAYS play... regardless. If we came, they played this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qeKNdAdGhc - one of many Acapella songs playing on Saturday mornings as we all cleaned house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1lTdWhi6-g&feature=fvw - My first "ah-ha" moment that I have no reason to EVER complain. These children are in the most impoverished, destitute conditions and yet you can see through their eyes that their souls are still smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsjZWlRVvo - first dance with my ex-husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU&ob=av2e - this is the song I would sing at the top of my lungs in my car as I was going through my divorce. Directed at 3 people. My parents and my what was then - soon to be ex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw - the last song I heard my mommy sing - with her frail hands lifted to the sky, still worshiping her God through all her pain.

Back on the horse

So - tonight I decided to snap out of my funk (for real) and make myself go have a good night. I have to admit I wasn't crazy about the whole idea before I got out... but once I was there and had the first Blue Moon under my belt - it was all good.

I hate starting over though... blech. Refocus.

I missed talking to my girl SVN tonight (Veronica)... That makes me sad. I'm thinking my next trip after Freeport is going to be down to Austin to go see her. Miss her big time.

I have to say ... I'm SOOOOO incredibly blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and who are able and willing to drag me out even when I don't wanna go. It proved to be an excellent idea. Thanks Greg! Way to be wingman!! :) Next time, Talbott Street. It's been too long!

Exhausted - and hoping for a solid night of sleep. Till tomorrow.

So much to say

I feel like my brain is just ready to explode - but I have no idea what words to put down to release the pressure. This is me... every night. Thinking. I sometimes can't even tell you what I'm thinking ABOUT - but I can still feel the hamster turnin' the wheel up there.

*knock, knock* Mr. Hamster - please, if you don't mind... could you stop for.... oh... 30 minutes. That should do the trick. I love, love, LOVE my dreamland and it's been a while since I've been to visit. I was just wondering if you could do me this one tiny favor and take tonight off. It would be very much appreciated. Really. Yes, yes... your legs and ass look fantastic - so good that I think a night off to celebrate in someone else's brain sounds like a splendid plan. Many thanks, Mr. Hamster. Feel free to take as long as you need to celebrate. ....

My dreamland - maybe this would help... I'll write about what a potential dream could be for me. Since I was a child - the one thing I remember my parents telling me was that if I was scared or if I just couldn't sleep - I needed to close my eyes and think of something that made me feel at peace and happy. So my happy place was always a field, as far as my eyes (brain in this case) could see - filled with the brightest white daisies with the centers as sharp as the sun. The yellow almost shines. And I'm picking them ... for someone. I don't know who. How these daisy filled dreams sometimes turn to the terrors that haunt me well into the next week is really beyond me.

*adds to list of fears - sleep. oh sheesh. just hit me over the head with a hammer and get it over with. PLEASE.

Back to ramblings

So I was driving the girls home tonight from Chuck E Cheese after dropping Polina off to the airport. She's London bound. And I know their terror. I know their tears. I remember the first business trip my mom went on and how I thought I was never going to see her again. They were fine until I started playing the CDs she had in the truck. They're uniquely hers and the girls recognize them as such. "Ambuw - pwess 5 like momma does." Momma. *tears.....

It's hard to rationalize with a 3 year old.

Really trying to make wise financial decisions right now. It's getting harder considering my invite to a South African suare in Tampa next weekend... and the flight is only $180. I needs to get my mind off things and this would do the trick. At least for a couple of days. I should save my cash. There are SO many directions I want to go with this blog - but I'm not... I'm not going to do it. I have 36 minutes left to cry... to obsess... and then - I'm moving on. I have NO clue what step one will be. Probably just watch the clock tick the pain away. Damn - those are good lyrics. Excellent even.

Nat's gonna teach me guitar while I'm in Freeport. So excited - my grandpa used to try to teach me... my I'm a bit of a pansy. My finger tips just couldn't hack it. I'm gonna do it though. I'm going to learn. I'm going to make myself better. I couldn't be better for him... not in his time. But then - that's just bad timing.

So - I lied. That last post wasn't my last post about him, but I'm feeling a little more level headed about the whole thing now. He has his person for right now - and maybe longer - I have no control. If it's meant to be - it'll be. So while I make no promises about blogs of men - this will be my last boo hoo I wasn't good enough blog about him. Holy fuck. I feel like I'm the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Meh - it's all good.

Good night. Good day. Good life. Toodles.

Fuck THIS!

I'm done... done. DONE. This is my last rambling about this mess. I need positive energy back in my life and me dwelling on this man that has clearly moved on - does nothing but keep me down. I can't keep doing it. I don't know where the tears keep coming from - but I'm giving myself the rest of tonight... and that is it.

I have a beautiful, giving soul that's bound to make the right man very happy. I'll be enough one day.

I'm closing with the lyrics of "Rise Above This."

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Dark Thirty

Soooo - the only reason I started blogging again really was to help me sleep. Perfect timing actually. I find it therapeutic. And here I sit - 4:04 am. I woke with the post alcohol shakes. I hate this feeling - which is one of the main reasons I don't overdo the booze more often. Well, that plus my grandfather was an alcoholic. He didn't drink much during the time when I grew up, but he did when he was raising daddy. And it affected my dad enough that I know I don't ever want to be that person. I'm preparing myself for motherhood... awww - how sweet.

I had to skip project runway tonight. Instead, Kriston was there. Again. Not many people know Kriston - but he's a person I will never........ EVER forget. He lay next to me after dipshit acted a total fool and treated me like crap all night long. Kris saw the whole thing. And he called one of his best friends on the planet out. And then he refused to let me stay my final night there with him. Kris walked me back to my room, kissed me on the cheek - told me everything was going to be ok - and told me he would be by at 11 to get me. And he was - but we had an hour before I had to check out. After he tapped on my door, I swung it open to find that it was appropriately rainy out. Pouring really. Which is what I had done all night. He looked at me and said, "you ok, love?" "Yeah, I'm alright." "No... no you're not." At which point he bear hugged me, told me to lay down, and he laid next to me. "No funny business" he said with this half smirk. And the tears poured - much like they did as I spoke to him last night.

I need sleep... I need to be loved. I need to be loved for what I bring to the table - not for a label I may or may not offer. Sleep will eventually call. So it goes.........

It's a double bloggin kinda night. I lied. I've had 2 double cran/vodkas and working on my 2nd double Captain n diet coke... cuz that's what us fatties do. We drink diet as if THAT's gonna make a difference. Hey - it happens once a week that I drink. 2X this week. Maybe 3. It's a bad fucking week, ok? Don't judge me.

Tonight started with 2 cran/vodkas, supermarket sushi from Target, 2 little debbie snack cakes... and I fully intend to eat myself in to a sugar coma... Maybe sleep through tomorrow. Hopefully party with Renee Saturday, drink and drink with Greg on Sunday... Fucking forget this week. I won't forget though, will I? *sigh* Anyway, enough bullshit. I have the gays to watch in an hour 15. I need to be good n fucked up by then. Ta.

I write these words because THEY are my hug right now. They're the proverbial person I go to to get the "it's going to be ok, baby." - But even still - it's not enough. I forget how to let go. I'm holding on. Tonight is "our" night. I dubbed it that ... I don't even think he knows it's our night, but it is. This is the night we would talk and talk... and I'd mention how I love the gays... lol. :( I miss him. What do I do?? Do I go out with other people? That's what "they" say. Again with the governing body of "they." The ex's have already picked up on my "meh" mood... and have again begun to charge - full force. I don't want them. They fucked me up already and while some of them I can still talk to and give advice to - I really don't wanna go down that road again.

My friend Greg, who has been there through Ruis and the three plus years since him is going through almost exactly the same thing right now - but with his ex. He was trying to see where it went - not jump in both feet first this time. Same situation - friends - there was intimacy, but no solid commitment. So when he told me the same thing happened to him as happened to me, my first question was, "how did you respond?" His answer - "I'm backing the fuck away." *ahhh* SO I'M NOT CRAZY!!! whew. And his response to that was 1) Don't use me as your crazy measuring stick and 2) "friends.... friends with benefits.... boyfriend/girlfriend.... they're just labels. Feelings are what they are."

Epiphany... I acted as though I was in a relationship. I wanted him like I would have wanted him in a relationship. I turned down guys like I was in a relationship. Because I felt like ... I was in a relationship. I gave him a part of me. Now, being the stubborn broad that I am, it takes time (more than the 3 months we were together) for me to give more and more away. I guess his thinking wasn't the same though. Patience would have been a virtue in this case. It would have paid off. I have no doubt.

Now - what to do with me? Tired of crying. Don't wanna drink - that's less than productive. Got sleep last night so that's a step. Going out with Greg Sunday. Those were typically Adam days. I can't stay home and think about what could have been and if he's with HER... God. FUCK.

'Tis all. I'm getting shitty again.

Winds of change

Oh... my... god. My emotions have been off the charts today. I have literally listened to everything from Ray Lamontagne's Hold You In My Arms all the way to Rhianna's Breakin' Dishes (up in here all night uh hu) lol... I've cried, I've laughed, I've hit shit, I've cried some more. Why do I feel like I just lost everything? I blinked - and I lost it. Just like that.

Why am I hurting so much? Why DOES it hurt like hell? Is it ego? Is it connection? Is it betrayal? I trusted him. That's one thing he always had was my trust. Never doubted a word he said. Ever.

And on another note - apparently I'm dressing too provocatively according to Ben's accountability partner. Fuck. I can't win. I really can't win. So - here's my thinking. I'm going to go to a lesbian bar, find me a good woman - dressed in a moo fucking moo. I'm single - I guess that's been my official title all along, but I wasn't screwing anyone else. But now... now I feel really really single... Like the depressed kind. "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, kid." If it were only that easy.

Truth? I still love him. I probably always will. He'll always have a piece of me that I won't get back... and I don't know that I want it back. I think I practiced my theory with him. My theory is that I'm a conundrum - a real one. I'm a free spirited realist. My nature is to go where the wind may blow. My reality has taught me that sometimes I have to resist the wind because I have a goal. My goal? To have a family. To love someone who also understands that to reach a goal, there's a certain obligation to your responsibilities. WHY is that so fucking hard to understand? Why isn't that innate after a certain period of life?

Ramblings - it's what I do. Questions I will likely never have the answer for.

Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

In the famous words of Boyz II Men - It's so hard to say good bye to yesterday... and they sure don't lie. What is it that makes us cling so hard to our past - not wanting to fully release it to what it was?

I even asked my shaman - what will this man be to me? What will we be together? And I should have just taken her at her word. But I kept hoping for more, which I suppose is natural. "Your role together is to heal one another."

*sigh* And yet - I somehow feel very far from healed. All I've felt for the last 2 days is hurt... betrayed... like again - I'm less than enough. I'm not worth the wait. For once - FOR ONCE I do the "George Costanza" and do the opposite of what I would normally do... and it still doesn't work. I naturally am incredibly impulsive. I can't tell you how many times I had to resist with everything I am to pick up the phone and call him and say, "let's do this." Even thinking - maybe we could live together now that I'm not going to Chi. SMH - when will I learn? I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong... or even what's wrong with me. Why does "she" always win? The other girl.

I suppose it just is what it is and will be until it's time for it not to be that anymore. I just don't know though. Every time this happens, I put up more walls for the next guy to break down. Fair for him? No - but how else am I supposed to protect myself? How am I supposed to NOT be upset about all this?? 2 nights without sleep. literally 5 hours of sleep in two nights now. It's so not worth it - or at least I haven't found a love that's worth all this pain. Maybe it's out there... maybe.

Ramblings part deux

I wonder why my brother turned out to be such a douche bag towards women... and even now toward his kids. Part of me is glad Don called him to try to talk some common sense into him. The other part of me knows it's not going to do any good.

Hey wait - Don called me a few weeks back as well and left me a message. He asked me to call him back, but I didn't. I think in the back of my mind I knew he wanted to talk to me about why I haven't been to church in a while. Being the people pleaser that I am, I don't think I'd like his reaction to what I have to say.

What would I say? How would I approach that? What I want to say is, "How can you believe what you believe? How can you never question the God you've been taught is the way the truth and the life? How can the thought not pop in your head 'hey, wait... this belief had to stem from somewhere. Let me find out where.'" And how can you trust this one dude who one day had this one thought there there was this one god and through this one god you would find eternal life... HOW DO YOU NOT QUESTION THIS???

I guess I get it though. I was a blind faith believer for mmmmm - 32 years. I questioned, but I think I feared the answers so I only dug so deep and then I'd quit. Ignorance is bliss - or so they say.

Random Mind Map

So I've decided to do kind of an unconventional blog right now - and when the feeling strikes. I'm about 210% convinced I have ADHD. I just lack the funds to A) Get Diagnosed and B) Purchase the meds once I am diagnosed.

But my mind is such a brilliant disaster. Is there such a thing?? Oh yes. There is. Right here between my ears. So here it goes. Random thoughts - one after another. It's likely to make little to no sense - so enjoy the ride.

I realized last night that I have a bit of a messiah complex. I feel like I need to fix people - which probably explains the HUGE problem I've had in both landing and keeping a man. A) Why would I want someone so broken that they need fixed and B) Why would they want to be fixed? I'm sure they're perfectly happy in their own misery.

The kids are watching Diego right now. I've been considering Rosetta Stone for a while now. There's at least 3 languages I would really love to learn. I should go there now and look to see if the price has gone down any........... Crap - it's still too expensive. Maybe ebay!!! No wait. Polina's put me on a budget. This is a good thing. Kind of a pain in the ass, but a good thing still. I can't manage money for shit.

God, if I can't manage my own money, how did I manage 50 employees at Budget?? God that was an awful job. It was like a pig going to the slaughter every.....single.....day. Over and over again. I can't believe I made it a year in that hell hole. But - on the bright side, they provided a car, gas and car insurance which is pretty kick ass. That sure would be nice now.

I should look at a career where I can travel. No, wait - nursing. I'm going to stick with nursing. I can travel with nursing. Even make someplace my home for a short period of time. I might get sick of it after a year or two - but I can't wait to see the world. I think this might just be the way to do it. I might even be able to live on one of the islands for a while - but from what I hear "rock fever" sucks.

I'll never forget the first time our whole family went to visit my aunt and her family on Grand Bahama. All of us - mamaw, papaw, mom, dad and I. Surprised her - I'll never forget her face when she opened up the door to the limo... but MAN XANADU SUCKED!! Broken everything.

I'm tired of writing. Natty's doing backflips on the couch and I can't stay focused. I want to go out there and .... well... watch her flip :)