Oh... my... god. My emotions have been off the charts today. I have literally listened to everything from Ray Lamontagne's Hold You In My Arms all the way to Rhianna's Breakin' Dishes (up in here all night uh hu) lol... I've cried, I've laughed, I've hit shit, I've cried some more. Why do I feel like I just lost everything? I blinked - and I lost it. Just like that.
Why am I hurting so much? Why DOES it hurt like hell? Is it ego? Is it connection? Is it betrayal? I trusted him. That's one thing he always had was my trust. Never doubted a word he said. Ever.
And on another note - apparently I'm dressing too provocatively according to Ben's accountability partner. Fuck. I can't win. I really can't win. So - here's my thinking. I'm going to go to a lesbian bar, find me a good woman - dressed in a moo fucking moo. I'm single - I guess that's been my official title all along, but I wasn't screwing anyone else. But now... now I feel really really single... Like the depressed kind. "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, kid." If it were only that easy.
Truth? I still love him. I probably always will. He'll always have a piece of me that I won't get back... and I don't know that I want it back. I think I practiced my theory with him. My theory is that I'm a conundrum - a real one. I'm a free spirited realist. My nature is to go where the wind may blow. My reality has taught me that sometimes I have to resist the wind because I have a goal. My goal? To have a family. To love someone who also understands that to reach a goal, there's a certain obligation to your responsibilities. WHY is that so fucking hard to understand? Why isn't that innate after a certain period of life?
Ramblings - it's what I do. Questions I will likely never have the answer for.
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