Free me

I had an epiphany today. I was driving Polina's car to the gym... and I was reflecting on a statement I made to Adam after he gave me the news that he was interested in someone else. That statement was something like this: Adam, this is what I do! I make impulsive decisions and it ends up biting me in the ass every time." And I think I also said something about my being a free spirit by nature, but life has made me what I coined a free spirited realist. If I didn't - I thought about writing it, but my brain was moving at warp speed.

My epiphany was this: "Amber, have you been happy since you've started letting life dictate how you live?" HOLY SHIT. That's not living. I need need need to live. I need to live from my heart and from my spirit and I need to do it - dive both feet first. Sure I might break an ankle, but I also won't feel the crispness of life standing on the shore. I fear. I fear a lot. But a life ruled by it is not a life at all.

Since the last blog I wrote about music, I've rediscovered my roots. I've fallen for an art form and I'm going to do something with it. My grandfather wrote a song years before he passed away and it's a gospel song - but the chords are so haunting and beautiful that I feel it would betray him not to learn it. And when I get back from Freeport, I'm moving the piano to Ben and Polina's. I'm going to teach myself. I have the talent. I have the voice. I have the passion. I'm going to combine the three to make dynomite - even if it's just for me. Me.... is enough.

I've posted the lyrics to a song I've heard before - but tonight with eyes wide open to my mind AND my heart - I let it in... and it's a part of me now. Now I share them with you:

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

Love to all.