In the famous words of Boyz II Men - It's so hard to say good bye to yesterday... and they sure don't lie. What is it that makes us cling so hard to our past - not wanting to fully release it to what it was?
I even asked my shaman - what will this man be to me? What will we be together? And I should have just taken her at her word. But I kept hoping for more, which I suppose is natural. "Your role together is to heal one another."
*sigh* And yet - I somehow feel very far from healed. All I've felt for the last 2 days is hurt... betrayed... like again - I'm less than enough. I'm not worth the wait. For once - FOR ONCE I do the "George Costanza" and do the opposite of what I would normally do... and it still doesn't work. I naturally am incredibly impulsive. I can't tell you how many times I had to resist with everything I am to pick up the phone and call him and say, "let's do this." Even thinking - maybe we could live together now that I'm not going to Chi. SMH - when will I learn? I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong... or even what's wrong with me. Why does "she" always win? The other girl.
I suppose it just is what it is and will be until it's time for it not to be that anymore. I just don't know though. Every time this happens, I put up more walls for the next guy to break down. Fair for him? No - but how else am I supposed to protect myself? How am I supposed to NOT be upset about all this?? 2 nights without sleep. literally 5 hours of sleep in two nights now. It's so not worth it - or at least I haven't found a love that's worth all this pain. Maybe it's out there... maybe.
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