I write these words because THEY are my hug right now. They're the proverbial person I go to to get the "it's going to be ok, baby." - But even still - it's not enough. I forget how to let go. I'm holding on. Tonight is "our" night. I dubbed it that ... I don't even think he knows it's our night, but it is. This is the night we would talk and talk... and I'd mention how I love the gays... lol. :( I miss him. What do I do?? Do I go out with other people? That's what "they" say. Again with the governing body of "they." The ex's have already picked up on my "meh" mood... and have again begun to charge - full force. I don't want them. They fucked me up already and while some of them I can still talk to and give advice to - I really don't wanna go down that road again.

My friend Greg, who has been there through Ruis and the three plus years since him is going through almost exactly the same thing right now - but with his ex. He was trying to see where it went - not jump in both feet first this time. Same situation - friends - there was intimacy, but no solid commitment. So when he told me the same thing happened to him as happened to me, my first question was, "how did you respond?" His answer - "I'm backing the fuck away." *ahhh* SO I'M NOT CRAZY!!! whew. And his response to that was 1) Don't use me as your crazy measuring stick and 2) "friends.... friends with benefits.... boyfriend/girlfriend.... they're just labels. Feelings are what they are."

Epiphany... I acted as though I was in a relationship. I wanted him like I would have wanted him in a relationship. I turned down guys like I was in a relationship. Because I felt like ... I was in a relationship. I gave him a part of me. Now, being the stubborn broad that I am, it takes time (more than the 3 months we were together) for me to give more and more away. I guess his thinking wasn't the same though. Patience would have been a virtue in this case. It would have paid off. I have no doubt.

Now - what to do with me? Tired of crying. Don't wanna drink - that's less than productive. Got sleep last night so that's a step. Going out with Greg Sunday. Those were typically Adam days. I can't stay home and think about what could have been and if he's with HER... God. FUCK.

'Tis all. I'm getting shitty again.