A Giving Heart

I've decided to blog a bit about a new man in my life. We've been talking a number of weeks and we finally met in person last week. I knew after our 2nd or 3rd phone conversation that we'd get along splendidly. And instant friends - we were. So here we are, a number of weeks later and I have to admit that I'm a bit stuck. I've decided to write this all out more to vent than anything else. I'm afraid to say too much to him yet - as the last thing I want to do is scare him away. Our first conversation, he asked me what I was looking for. My answer? Ultimately, I want the whole deal... but I want to take it slowly. Why do our hearts conflict with our logic?

Here's the truth... my reality that I FEEL right now. The truth is that I can see a solid future with this man. And when I say solid, I mean that I see a man who will very likely turn out to be my very best friend. A man who makes me laugh so hard that I pee my pants a little. A man that I am completely comfortable around and his level of confidence (not arrogance) is the magnet that draws me physically to him day in and day out. And so my heart says, "I want his heart to be mine and mine to be his." And my head says, "WHOA GIRL! Allow this thing to evolve naturally into what will be instead of potentially destroying any sort of relationship." And the truth is that with this man - it's different. The waiting isn't killing me or driving me mad because I want it to be right with him. I want to give him the best me that I possibly can give him. I want him to see the me that everyone who loves me gets to see - without the stresses of relationship.

The hardest part for me, however, is that I am a naturally giving person. I have been sitting here thinking to myself - what can I do for him? What can I share with him? Truth is - there's nothing I can buy for him that he can't buy for himself. I think the things he would appreciate the most are the things he can't hold in his hands, but in his heart. And since the non-tangible is virtually my only option, I want to give him my heart. I want to share the most intimate part of me with him... my heart. But the truth is that the longer I wait... the more I get to know him and the more I share myself in bits and pieces, the more likely we are to grow to love each other in a very real and mature way. And while I want the immediate gratification of giving now, the best gift I can give him is to not give. Not yet. And so for him, I will...not give.