I write these words because THEY are my hug right now. They're the proverbial person I go to to get the "it's going to be ok, baby." - But even still - it's not enough. I forget how to let go. I'm holding on. Tonight is "our" night. I dubbed it that ... I don't even think he knows it's our night, but it is. This is the night we would talk and talk... and I'd mention how I love the gays... lol. :( I miss him. What do I do?? Do I go out with other people? That's what "they" say. Again with the governing body of "they." The ex's have already picked up on my "meh" mood... and have again begun to charge - full force. I don't want them. They fucked me up already and while some of them I can still talk to and give advice to - I really don't wanna go down that road again.

My friend Greg, who has been there through Ruis and the three plus years since him is going through almost exactly the same thing right now - but with his ex. He was trying to see where it went - not jump in both feet first this time. Same situation - friends - there was intimacy, but no solid commitment. So when he told me the same thing happened to him as happened to me, my first question was, "how did you respond?" His answer - "I'm backing the fuck away." *ahhh* SO I'M NOT CRAZY!!! whew. And his response to that was 1) Don't use me as your crazy measuring stick and 2) "friends.... friends with benefits.... boyfriend/girlfriend.... they're just labels. Feelings are what they are."

Epiphany... I acted as though I was in a relationship. I wanted him like I would have wanted him in a relationship. I turned down guys like I was in a relationship. Because I felt like ... I was in a relationship. I gave him a part of me. Now, being the stubborn broad that I am, it takes time (more than the 3 months we were together) for me to give more and more away. I guess his thinking wasn't the same though. Patience would have been a virtue in this case. It would have paid off. I have no doubt.

Now - what to do with me? Tired of crying. Don't wanna drink - that's less than productive. Got sleep last night so that's a step. Going out with Greg Sunday. Those were typically Adam days. I can't stay home and think about what could have been and if he's with HER... God. FUCK.

'Tis all. I'm getting shitty again.

Winds of change

Oh... my... god. My emotions have been off the charts today. I have literally listened to everything from Ray Lamontagne's Hold You In My Arms all the way to Rhianna's Breakin' Dishes (up in here all night uh hu) lol... I've cried, I've laughed, I've hit shit, I've cried some more. Why do I feel like I just lost everything? I blinked - and I lost it. Just like that.

Why am I hurting so much? Why DOES it hurt like hell? Is it ego? Is it connection? Is it betrayal? I trusted him. That's one thing he always had was my trust. Never doubted a word he said. Ever.

And on another note - apparently I'm dressing too provocatively according to Ben's accountability partner. Fuck. I can't win. I really can't win. So - here's my thinking. I'm going to go to a lesbian bar, find me a good woman - dressed in a moo fucking moo. I'm single - I guess that's been my official title all along, but I wasn't screwing anyone else. But now... now I feel really really single... Like the depressed kind. "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, kid." If it were only that easy.

Truth? I still love him. I probably always will. He'll always have a piece of me that I won't get back... and I don't know that I want it back. I think I practiced my theory with him. My theory is that I'm a conundrum - a real one. I'm a free spirited realist. My nature is to go where the wind may blow. My reality has taught me that sometimes I have to resist the wind because I have a goal. My goal? To have a family. To love someone who also understands that to reach a goal, there's a certain obligation to your responsibilities. WHY is that so fucking hard to understand? Why isn't that innate after a certain period of life?

Ramblings - it's what I do. Questions I will likely never have the answer for.

Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

In the famous words of Boyz II Men - It's so hard to say good bye to yesterday... and they sure don't lie. What is it that makes us cling so hard to our past - not wanting to fully release it to what it was?

I even asked my shaman - what will this man be to me? What will we be together? And I should have just taken her at her word. But I kept hoping for more, which I suppose is natural. "Your role together is to heal one another."

*sigh* And yet - I somehow feel very far from healed. All I've felt for the last 2 days is hurt... betrayed... like again - I'm less than enough. I'm not worth the wait. For once - FOR ONCE I do the "George Costanza" and do the opposite of what I would normally do... and it still doesn't work. I naturally am incredibly impulsive. I can't tell you how many times I had to resist with everything I am to pick up the phone and call him and say, "let's do this." Even thinking - maybe we could live together now that I'm not going to Chi. SMH - when will I learn? I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong... or even what's wrong with me. Why does "she" always win? The other girl.

I suppose it just is what it is and will be until it's time for it not to be that anymore. I just don't know though. Every time this happens, I put up more walls for the next guy to break down. Fair for him? No - but how else am I supposed to protect myself? How am I supposed to NOT be upset about all this?? 2 nights without sleep. literally 5 hours of sleep in two nights now. It's so not worth it - or at least I haven't found a love that's worth all this pain. Maybe it's out there... maybe.

Ramblings part deux

I wonder why my brother turned out to be such a douche bag towards women... and even now toward his kids. Part of me is glad Don called him to try to talk some common sense into him. The other part of me knows it's not going to do any good.

Hey wait - Don called me a few weeks back as well and left me a message. He asked me to call him back, but I didn't. I think in the back of my mind I knew he wanted to talk to me about why I haven't been to church in a while. Being the people pleaser that I am, I don't think I'd like his reaction to what I have to say.

What would I say? How would I approach that? What I want to say is, "How can you believe what you believe? How can you never question the God you've been taught is the way the truth and the life? How can the thought not pop in your head 'hey, wait... this belief had to stem from somewhere. Let me find out where.'" And how can you trust this one dude who one day had this one thought there there was this one god and through this one god you would find eternal life... HOW DO YOU NOT QUESTION THIS???

I guess I get it though. I was a blind faith believer for mmmmm - 32 years. I questioned, but I think I feared the answers so I only dug so deep and then I'd quit. Ignorance is bliss - or so they say.

Random Mind Map

So I've decided to do kind of an unconventional blog right now - and when the feeling strikes. I'm about 210% convinced I have ADHD. I just lack the funds to A) Get Diagnosed and B) Purchase the meds once I am diagnosed.

But my mind is such a brilliant disaster. Is there such a thing?? Oh yes. There is. Right here between my ears. So here it goes. Random thoughts - one after another. It's likely to make little to no sense - so enjoy the ride.

I realized last night that I have a bit of a messiah complex. I feel like I need to fix people - which probably explains the HUGE problem I've had in both landing and keeping a man. A) Why would I want someone so broken that they need fixed and B) Why would they want to be fixed? I'm sure they're perfectly happy in their own misery.

The kids are watching Diego right now. I've been considering Rosetta Stone for a while now. There's at least 3 languages I would really love to learn. I should go there now and look to see if the price has gone down any........... Crap - it's still too expensive. Maybe ebay!!! No wait. Polina's put me on a budget. This is a good thing. Kind of a pain in the ass, but a good thing still. I can't manage money for shit.

God, if I can't manage my own money, how did I manage 50 employees at Budget?? God that was an awful job. It was like a pig going to the slaughter every.....single.....day. Over and over again. I can't believe I made it a year in that hell hole. But - on the bright side, they provided a car, gas and car insurance which is pretty kick ass. That sure would be nice now.

I should look at a career where I can travel. No, wait - nursing. I'm going to stick with nursing. I can travel with nursing. Even make someplace my home for a short period of time. I might get sick of it after a year or two - but I can't wait to see the world. I think this might just be the way to do it. I might even be able to live on one of the islands for a while - but from what I hear "rock fever" sucks.

I'll never forget the first time our whole family went to visit my aunt and her family on Grand Bahama. All of us - mamaw, papaw, mom, dad and I. Surprised her - I'll never forget her face when she opened up the door to the limo... but MAN XANADU SUCKED!! Broken everything.

I'm tired of writing. Natty's doing backflips on the couch and I can't stay focused. I want to go out there and .... well... watch her flip :)

U Turn

Oh - the mind is a powerful thing... I know this, and yet I constantly forget it. I was doing so well! What happened? Life, I suppose, but the negative talk has done what it always does - drawn more negativity. Unsuccessful relationships, car repair after car repair after new car purchase to be followed by another 2 successions of car repairs. You get the idea.

Why is prayer and meditation such a hard discipline? It's very simple, really. It just requires time - and the more time the better. Well, it's 2:30 am. What better time than now? I've spent the last 2 hours doing research. Maybe now it's time to find peace in the sweet sound of silence.

'Tis All. Blessings!

A Giving Heart

I've decided to blog a bit about a new man in my life. We've been talking a number of weeks and we finally met in person last week. I knew after our 2nd or 3rd phone conversation that we'd get along splendidly. And instant friends - we were. So here we are, a number of weeks later and I have to admit that I'm a bit stuck. I've decided to write this all out more to vent than anything else. I'm afraid to say too much to him yet - as the last thing I want to do is scare him away. Our first conversation, he asked me what I was looking for. My answer? Ultimately, I want the whole deal... but I want to take it slowly. Why do our hearts conflict with our logic?

Here's the truth... my reality that I FEEL right now. The truth is that I can see a solid future with this man. And when I say solid, I mean that I see a man who will very likely turn out to be my very best friend. A man who makes me laugh so hard that I pee my pants a little. A man that I am completely comfortable around and his level of confidence (not arrogance) is the magnet that draws me physically to him day in and day out. And so my heart says, "I want his heart to be mine and mine to be his." And my head says, "WHOA GIRL! Allow this thing to evolve naturally into what will be instead of potentially destroying any sort of relationship." And the truth is that with this man - it's different. The waiting isn't killing me or driving me mad because I want it to be right with him. I want to give him the best me that I possibly can give him. I want him to see the me that everyone who loves me gets to see - without the stresses of relationship.

The hardest part for me, however, is that I am a naturally giving person. I have been sitting here thinking to myself - what can I do for him? What can I share with him? Truth is - there's nothing I can buy for him that he can't buy for himself. I think the things he would appreciate the most are the things he can't hold in his hands, but in his heart. And since the non-tangible is virtually my only option, I want to give him my heart. I want to share the most intimate part of me with him... my heart. But the truth is that the longer I wait... the more I get to know him and the more I share myself in bits and pieces, the more likely we are to grow to love each other in a very real and mature way. And while I want the immediate gratification of giving now, the best gift I can give him is to not give. Not yet. And so for him, I will...not give.