So much to say

I feel like my brain is just ready to explode - but I have no idea what words to put down to release the pressure. This is me... every night. Thinking. I sometimes can't even tell you what I'm thinking ABOUT - but I can still feel the hamster turnin' the wheel up there.

*knock, knock* Mr. Hamster - please, if you don't mind... could you stop for.... oh... 30 minutes. That should do the trick. I love, love, LOVE my dreamland and it's been a while since I've been to visit. I was just wondering if you could do me this one tiny favor and take tonight off. It would be very much appreciated. Really. Yes, yes... your legs and ass look fantastic - so good that I think a night off to celebrate in someone else's brain sounds like a splendid plan. Many thanks, Mr. Hamster. Feel free to take as long as you need to celebrate. ....

My dreamland - maybe this would help... I'll write about what a potential dream could be for me. Since I was a child - the one thing I remember my parents telling me was that if I was scared or if I just couldn't sleep - I needed to close my eyes and think of something that made me feel at peace and happy. So my happy place was always a field, as far as my eyes (brain in this case) could see - filled with the brightest white daisies with the centers as sharp as the sun. The yellow almost shines. And I'm picking them ... for someone. I don't know who. How these daisy filled dreams sometimes turn to the terrors that haunt me well into the next week is really beyond me.

*adds to list of fears - sleep. oh sheesh. just hit me over the head with a hammer and get it over with. PLEASE.

Back to ramblings

So I was driving the girls home tonight from Chuck E Cheese after dropping Polina off to the airport. She's London bound. And I know their terror. I know their tears. I remember the first business trip my mom went on and how I thought I was never going to see her again. They were fine until I started playing the CDs she had in the truck. They're uniquely hers and the girls recognize them as such. "Ambuw - pwess 5 like momma does." Momma. *tears.....

It's hard to rationalize with a 3 year old.

Really trying to make wise financial decisions right now. It's getting harder considering my invite to a South African suare in Tampa next weekend... and the flight is only $180. I needs to get my mind off things and this would do the trick. At least for a couple of days. I should save my cash. There are SO many directions I want to go with this blog - but I'm not... I'm not going to do it. I have 36 minutes left to cry... to obsess... and then - I'm moving on. I have NO clue what step one will be. Probably just watch the clock tick the pain away. Damn - those are good lyrics. Excellent even.

Nat's gonna teach me guitar while I'm in Freeport. So excited - my grandpa used to try to teach me... my I'm a bit of a pansy. My finger tips just couldn't hack it. I'm gonna do it though. I'm going to learn. I'm going to make myself better. I couldn't be better for him... not in his time. But then - that's just bad timing.

So - I lied. That last post wasn't my last post about him, but I'm feeling a little more level headed about the whole thing now. He has his person for right now - and maybe longer - I have no control. If it's meant to be - it'll be. So while I make no promises about blogs of men - this will be my last boo hoo I wasn't good enough blog about him. Holy fuck. I feel like I'm the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Meh - it's all good.

Good night. Good day. Good life. Toodles.

Fuck THIS!

I'm done... done. DONE. This is my last rambling about this mess. I need positive energy back in my life and me dwelling on this man that has clearly moved on - does nothing but keep me down. I can't keep doing it. I don't know where the tears keep coming from - but I'm giving myself the rest of tonight... and that is it.

I have a beautiful, giving soul that's bound to make the right man very happy. I'll be enough one day.

I'm closing with the lyrics of "Rise Above This."

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Dark Thirty

Soooo - the only reason I started blogging again really was to help me sleep. Perfect timing actually. I find it therapeutic. And here I sit - 4:04 am. I woke with the post alcohol shakes. I hate this feeling - which is one of the main reasons I don't overdo the booze more often. Well, that plus my grandfather was an alcoholic. He didn't drink much during the time when I grew up, but he did when he was raising daddy. And it affected my dad enough that I know I don't ever want to be that person. I'm preparing myself for motherhood... awww - how sweet.

I had to skip project runway tonight. Instead, Kriston was there. Again. Not many people know Kriston - but he's a person I will never........ EVER forget. He lay next to me after dipshit acted a total fool and treated me like crap all night long. Kris saw the whole thing. And he called one of his best friends on the planet out. And then he refused to let me stay my final night there with him. Kris walked me back to my room, kissed me on the cheek - told me everything was going to be ok - and told me he would be by at 11 to get me. And he was - but we had an hour before I had to check out. After he tapped on my door, I swung it open to find that it was appropriately rainy out. Pouring really. Which is what I had done all night. He looked at me and said, "you ok, love?" "Yeah, I'm alright." "No... no you're not." At which point he bear hugged me, told me to lay down, and he laid next to me. "No funny business" he said with this half smirk. And the tears poured - much like they did as I spoke to him last night.

I need sleep... I need to be loved. I need to be loved for what I bring to the table - not for a label I may or may not offer. Sleep will eventually call. So it goes.........

It's a double bloggin kinda night. I lied. I've had 2 double cran/vodkas and working on my 2nd double Captain n diet coke... cuz that's what us fatties do. We drink diet as if THAT's gonna make a difference. Hey - it happens once a week that I drink. 2X this week. Maybe 3. It's a bad fucking week, ok? Don't judge me.

Tonight started with 2 cran/vodkas, supermarket sushi from Target, 2 little debbie snack cakes... and I fully intend to eat myself in to a sugar coma... Maybe sleep through tomorrow. Hopefully party with Renee Saturday, drink and drink with Greg on Sunday... Fucking forget this week. I won't forget though, will I? *sigh* Anyway, enough bullshit. I have the gays to watch in an hour 15. I need to be good n fucked up by then. Ta.

I write these words because THEY are my hug right now. They're the proverbial person I go to to get the "it's going to be ok, baby." - But even still - it's not enough. I forget how to let go. I'm holding on. Tonight is "our" night. I dubbed it that ... I don't even think he knows it's our night, but it is. This is the night we would talk and talk... and I'd mention how I love the gays... lol. :( I miss him. What do I do?? Do I go out with other people? That's what "they" say. Again with the governing body of "they." The ex's have already picked up on my "meh" mood... and have again begun to charge - full force. I don't want them. They fucked me up already and while some of them I can still talk to and give advice to - I really don't wanna go down that road again.

My friend Greg, who has been there through Ruis and the three plus years since him is going through almost exactly the same thing right now - but with his ex. He was trying to see where it went - not jump in both feet first this time. Same situation - friends - there was intimacy, but no solid commitment. So when he told me the same thing happened to him as happened to me, my first question was, "how did you respond?" His answer - "I'm backing the fuck away." *ahhh* SO I'M NOT CRAZY!!! whew. And his response to that was 1) Don't use me as your crazy measuring stick and 2) "friends.... friends with benefits.... boyfriend/girlfriend.... they're just labels. Feelings are what they are."

Epiphany... I acted as though I was in a relationship. I wanted him like I would have wanted him in a relationship. I turned down guys like I was in a relationship. Because I felt like ... I was in a relationship. I gave him a part of me. Now, being the stubborn broad that I am, it takes time (more than the 3 months we were together) for me to give more and more away. I guess his thinking wasn't the same though. Patience would have been a virtue in this case. It would have paid off. I have no doubt.

Now - what to do with me? Tired of crying. Don't wanna drink - that's less than productive. Got sleep last night so that's a step. Going out with Greg Sunday. Those were typically Adam days. I can't stay home and think about what could have been and if he's with HER... God. FUCK.

'Tis all. I'm getting shitty again.

Winds of change

Oh... my... god. My emotions have been off the charts today. I have literally listened to everything from Ray Lamontagne's Hold You In My Arms all the way to Rhianna's Breakin' Dishes (up in here all night uh hu) lol... I've cried, I've laughed, I've hit shit, I've cried some more. Why do I feel like I just lost everything? I blinked - and I lost it. Just like that.

Why am I hurting so much? Why DOES it hurt like hell? Is it ego? Is it connection? Is it betrayal? I trusted him. That's one thing he always had was my trust. Never doubted a word he said. Ever.

And on another note - apparently I'm dressing too provocatively according to Ben's accountability partner. Fuck. I can't win. I really can't win. So - here's my thinking. I'm going to go to a lesbian bar, find me a good woman - dressed in a moo fucking moo. I'm single - I guess that's been my official title all along, but I wasn't screwing anyone else. But now... now I feel really really single... Like the depressed kind. "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, kid." If it were only that easy.

Truth? I still love him. I probably always will. He'll always have a piece of me that I won't get back... and I don't know that I want it back. I think I practiced my theory with him. My theory is that I'm a conundrum - a real one. I'm a free spirited realist. My nature is to go where the wind may blow. My reality has taught me that sometimes I have to resist the wind because I have a goal. My goal? To have a family. To love someone who also understands that to reach a goal, there's a certain obligation to your responsibilities. WHY is that so fucking hard to understand? Why isn't that innate after a certain period of life?

Ramblings - it's what I do. Questions I will likely never have the answer for.