Reflecting and Refracting

I've taken a blog writing break for a few days. I needed the time to reflect and decided I need to refract. What do I mean? I've been reflecting on life as a single young woman who is dead broke and as soon as I did - REFRACT... In optics, refraction occurs when light waves travel from a medium with a given refractive index to a medium with another at an angle.

I needed to change my perspective. I needed to change my vocabulary. I needed to change my reality. And so, I shall.

I am no longer a single woman in search of a meaningful relationship. I am a woman who will continue to enjoy every person in her path, every moment, every day from here on out. IF fate determines that said person is my match... then it will be. No more struggling. No more worrying. Just gladly accepting the gifts that the universe continues to send my way, no matter what form they may take.

Blessings, all.

Retards Anonymous

I am seriously considering starting a new help group. Yes, I am completely aware that the title of this post is less than PC. Get the fuck over it.

I want to know why men think it's ok... 8-10 months after you fell off the planet with NO explanation... to send me a text AFTER I DELETED YOU FROM MY LIFE... apologizing. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE MALE BRAIN?!?!?!?!?!

At least when I fuck up, I have the balls - YES, THE BALLS - to admit it right away and apologize. If that means I screw up the relationship, I do it knowing I tried to fix it even though it may still fall apart... As I continue to hold to: TRUTH is the currency of love.

So please - if you hurt me... keep fucking walking. I don't need to feel the pain you caused me nearly a year ago again and still gain nothing. No explanation still. Just another fucking open wound. KEEP your apology. If it were from YOUR heart, you'd feel the need to mend mine.

Asshole.

This is impossible! Only if you believe it is.

There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter... Which luckily, I am.

When I was 9 years old, I remember VIVIDLY being entrapped in a movie. I really didn't question it at the time, but as time progressed, I began to become more and more involved in the movie and could relate on some very different plane of reality to who Alice was and her many misadventures. It's no wonder. My life has been one crazy, wild, mad, adventurous ride. Most of it I wouldn't re-do, although I have my moments I would take back.

I wouldn't have saught the husband I did. I knew him to be the man he was - and may still be for all I know. I would have ended that relationship very early on and in that, saved him the hurt I caused him 5 years into our marriage. My very naive brain told me I could love him into changing... Ah, the mind of a 23 year old.

I wouldn't have wasted nearly a year and a half pouring my heart mind and soul into a man who very clearly didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved.

And now, I'm about to ... this time... learn from my past mistakes. I continue to wait by for the same mystery man from blogs past. Hoping, praying that he'll find in me what the people who really know me find. He won't find it though - until he decides he wants to look for it. Truth is that maybe I'm just not what he's looking for. And I suppose that has to be ok.

As for the rest of my crazy journey - it'll continue to be crazy and I would NOT have it any other way. I will, from a new perspective on life, enjoy every turn, scream at the top of my lungs through every loopty loop, and throw my hands up at the top of the hill and LOVE not knowing what's going to happen next.

Live in the now, friends. Enjoy the love you feel, enjoy giving that love back even more.

Dream Weaver

It is truly moments like now that I wish I was an artist that could pick up charcoal and draw what is in my mind. Instead, I am an artist who picks up a pen and creates a vision for myself... and for you.

Sunday night: In bed by 10:30. My mind does pose a decent argument though. There are things to figure out, you see. And my mind feels it is MY job to figure all things, great and small out. It usually feels that the time to do so is just as my head hits my pillow.

Having said all that, Sunday was not a night of dreams remembered. It was more a night of "What dreams may come." Arguing with my brain, I would say to myself, "I'm NOT going to think about it right now." Then with much gusto, flip my body to my other side trying to induce comfort... enough to where my mind would surrender and just sleep. Finally, at 1:30 am, my mind and body had enough. Sleep began, but morning was right around the corner. I'm a "must have at least 7 hours of sleep in order to functin properly" kind of gal... which meant Monday was gonna be one for the books.

Monday turned out to be alright, but the drive home was torture!! I actually nodded off at one stop light. Pulled up in front of the house, unlock the door and I think I actually heard my bed calling to me. I don't remember much - until I woke up at 7:00 last night.

Last night as I napped, I dreamt about Papaw Powers for the first time since he passed back in November. For those who don't know me well, I've been a dreamer all my life. I remember very vivid dreams of angels and even demons since the time I was 5 years old. For the last month though, I have dreamt, at least every other night - but normally every night - of my mother or one of my grandparents that have gone on before me. Most would find the dreams that I've had to be disturbing or scary, but strangly, I find them incredibly comforting. I woke up with a sense of "home." A feeling I've longed for for months... and I find it.

Home truly is where the heart is. And my heart finds its way back home - to love, comfort... and surprisingly... to acceptance that I never found when my relatives were alive. I experience true unconditional love.

Sweet dreams to you all.

Looking for Greener Pastures?

Chances are... If you're continually looking for greener pastures, you need not look any further than your own back yard. I, along with thousands of others, have at one point or another thought I could find happiness elsewhere.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. The core of all of our issues lies within each and every one of us. Instead of complaining about that job, begin to pronounce things that are growing you, as an individual, as a result of being in the position you are in. What you put out to the universe, you do get in return.

While we may need a change of scenery to achieve our optimal motivation - chances are.... your own back yard could use a little water. Feed yourself, nurture yourself... and in doing so, chances are you'll fall in love with where you are and grow yourself right out of your current situation into a far more loving, nurturing one. Teeny, tiny baby steps to the top of the mountain... where you can appreciate just how green your own pasture really is.

Much love - today and always :)

Red Pill or Blue Pill?

Well, I hate to piss on everyone's parade - but once you take the red pill, you can't go back. They say knowledge is power and the proverbial body of "they" are right. However, I'm still sitting here in my bed, weeks later, shaking my head to see if this power is one I truly wanted. The biggest part of me is glad to have the knowledge and capacity to understand that which 90% of the world does not.... the other 10% just wanted to be able to wake up this morning, completely oblivious to all the BS that society really wants us to believe. I wanted to wake up this morning and be able smile as I got ready for church... for really no other reason than to make my daddy proud... but I can't anymore. For SO long, I have lived a lie that is not me. For what purpose did I live that lie? To make others falsely proud of me. To live up to the image that friends and family had painted in their minds...

And it is with this knowledge - this new found image of me - that I am pouring myself into a new book. I have attempted writing this book for literally years now. However, I get to a few pages and run out of things to say. This time - my fingers won't stop walking. My mind won't stop reeling.

I had to call my good friend P to ask her how the heck her ADHD husband ever finishes a book with his ADHD mind. My new creation is turning more into a disaster than my hoped for masterpiece. However, she gave me a good tip which I am utilizing this weekend. Wish me luck. Send good vibes my way...

Much love :)

Quite Proud

So, today I made a radical (for me) change in my morning habits. I normally sleep as late as possible (which is about an hour before I have to leave the house.) It takes me only about 10 minutes to throw my clothes on and run a brush through my hair, but I require many distractions 1st thing in the morning in order to wake myself properly. First - the shower. Shock myself into a state of alterness. Second - must sit on the bed for 20-30 minutes, depending on how long the shower took, watching TV or playing on facebook/email. If I end up taking 40 minutes, there's a mad rush. Much throwing of shirts, jeans, socks, shirts... my daily ensembles rarely make any sense.

This morning: Set alarm for 6:15. Shower for 10 minutes. Dress myself. Head down the stairs, hoping my hair dries on its own (not so much.) Get the groceries out of the refrigerator that I purchased last night, specifically for this morning's breakfast. Make a decent breakfast - instead of stopping at McDonalds. See, I understand the importance of breakfast (especially for me). It gets my day off on the right foot. However the gross feeling I had every morning as I skeeted off from the McD's drive through - it had to change. And only one person could do that.

Beginning this morning, breakfast will be the biggest meal of the day for me. Today's menu: Eggs (2) over medium. Toast. Bacon. Southern cut potatoes. Yes, over kill on the carbs... one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be fresh fruit, a mini bagel and a yogurt... and I plan to alternate until it's time to do all over again (the shopping that is.)

Oh - side note. Why is it that I never ever used to pay attention to the way food sounded when it was being eaten, but now that I know my uncle can't STAND the way chips sound if a noisey eater is eating them... it bugs the HELL out of me! Carrots, celery, chips, popcorn... and then my all time loathe - the smacking of lips while eating... god, it makes me want to throw up!!! This last part was for free. Thank me later.

Happy eats. Take care of yourself - today and always!