Red Pill or Blue Pill?

Well, I hate to piss on everyone's parade - but once you take the red pill, you can't go back. They say knowledge is power and the proverbial body of "they" are right. However, I'm still sitting here in my bed, weeks later, shaking my head to see if this power is one I truly wanted. The biggest part of me is glad to have the knowledge and capacity to understand that which 90% of the world does not.... the other 10% just wanted to be able to wake up this morning, completely oblivious to all the BS that society really wants us to believe. I wanted to wake up this morning and be able smile as I got ready for church... for really no other reason than to make my daddy proud... but I can't anymore. For SO long, I have lived a lie that is not me. For what purpose did I live that lie? To make others falsely proud of me. To live up to the image that friends and family had painted in their minds...

And it is with this knowledge - this new found image of me - that I am pouring myself into a new book. I have attempted writing this book for literally years now. However, I get to a few pages and run out of things to say. This time - my fingers won't stop walking. My mind won't stop reeling.

I had to call my good friend P to ask her how the heck her ADHD husband ever finishes a book with his ADHD mind. My new creation is turning more into a disaster than my hoped for masterpiece. However, she gave me a good tip which I am utilizing this weekend. Wish me luck. Send good vibes my way...

Much love :)

Quite Proud

So, today I made a radical (for me) change in my morning habits. I normally sleep as late as possible (which is about an hour before I have to leave the house.) It takes me only about 10 minutes to throw my clothes on and run a brush through my hair, but I require many distractions 1st thing in the morning in order to wake myself properly. First - the shower. Shock myself into a state of alterness. Second - must sit on the bed for 20-30 minutes, depending on how long the shower took, watching TV or playing on facebook/email. If I end up taking 40 minutes, there's a mad rush. Much throwing of shirts, jeans, socks, shirts... my daily ensembles rarely make any sense.

This morning: Set alarm for 6:15. Shower for 10 minutes. Dress myself. Head down the stairs, hoping my hair dries on its own (not so much.) Get the groceries out of the refrigerator that I purchased last night, specifically for this morning's breakfast. Make a decent breakfast - instead of stopping at McDonalds. See, I understand the importance of breakfast (especially for me). It gets my day off on the right foot. However the gross feeling I had every morning as I skeeted off from the McD's drive through - it had to change. And only one person could do that.

Beginning this morning, breakfast will be the biggest meal of the day for me. Today's menu: Eggs (2) over medium. Toast. Bacon. Southern cut potatoes. Yes, over kill on the carbs... one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be fresh fruit, a mini bagel and a yogurt... and I plan to alternate until it's time to do all over again (the shopping that is.)

Oh - side note. Why is it that I never ever used to pay attention to the way food sounded when it was being eaten, but now that I know my uncle can't STAND the way chips sound if a noisey eater is eating them... it bugs the HELL out of me! Carrots, celery, chips, popcorn... and then my all time loathe - the smacking of lips while eating... god, it makes me want to throw up!!! This last part was for free. Thank me later.

Happy eats. Take care of yourself - today and always!

Sweet Satisfaction

I promise this is not a blog about men... but I just have to share this small little tid bit. I LOVE being right. Ladies, follow your gut. It's right, it's innate, listen to your soul!!!!!!

Too many times, we destroy ourselves looking for the good in others. Don't fall victim to yourself.

Nuff said.

Brain Farts

OK, I must admit. I lost my "Ask and It Is Given" book for about 2 weeks. I just found it today, thankfully. As soon as I opened it up, I read this:

"Whatever you are giving your attention to causes you to emit a vibration, and the vibrations that you offer equal your asking, which equals your point of attraction."

Mannnnn..... I learned all this about 3 years ago. Why am I so bubble headed?! So, here we have a situation. Mystery man... I'm focused on mind games, focused on confusion, focused on what is not.... and...... TA DA!!!! I got - nothing. On top of the fact that I held expectations (and not intentions) which, of course, left me disappointed.

Mystery man and I still talk. I just need to figure out #1 - is he where I need him to be? (aka - is he good relationship material... really REALLY good). #2 - regardless... I believe him to be good friendship material. My intention, no matter whom the lucky man may be, is to develop healthy friendships with some folks. I believe in friendships you find out who people really are, what their motives are... and if something naturally evolves with him, then it does. And if not with him, I will draw the right friend - who will, in turn, become my "homey, lover, friend." :-D

'Tis all.

In my silence

Tonight, I watched my brother and sister-in-law's 2 young'ins. The wanted romance from the last 8 months of yesterdays came to a screeching halt last night. "We can be friends" was the last thing I remember... then I cried myself to sleep.

I miss his texts, as confusing as they were. I miss his calls, even though they left me wondering - and wanting him more. But - I did it. I put a stop to it. To the mind games, intended or unintended. And thank God he was honest enough to be straight forward with me.

But tonight, as I sit here in silence, I wonder - who is it that's out there thinking of me tonight? Who is it whose world I've changed for the better? My phone sits silent next to me. Do I need constant interruption to feel important? Tonight is a meditative night. I need my meditation music and my breathing... and I need to focus on me. The me that *I* need to love - first and foremost.

And so, onward I blindly stumble...

When life hands you lemons.... LOVE???

I taught myself a lesson tonight on accident. Gotta love it when that happens. And there were no casualties in this lesson learned - even better!

I've been pining over a guy for a while.... June will be a year. I messed it up early in the "relationship" and have been paying for it, emotionally, ever since. Tonight - I'm hoping I put an end to it. I'm at the "shit or get off the pot" stage right now. I'm 33, I know what I want, I know I'm an amazing partner. No doubt a catch in most areas.

I'm not desperate, but I *AM* done pining over someone if he has no romantic interest in me. I refuse to feel sluggish or down or mopey anymore because of a guy who may or may not want me... a guy who may or may not like to dangle a carrot.

It was one of those nights tonight. After my very nice dinner with NayNay and most excellent conversation - I got a text from my mystery caller.... and I ended up laying it all on the table. I'm sticking to my guns - although I realize that this may be "it."

So, while feeling all droopy and lethargic... I began to count my blessings. And I began to act on those blessings by letting people know what they mean to me. Not drippy sweet or anything. But by letting people know you love them, you experience love... and in that, I realized that I am loved. While I may not be loved by the man of my choosing right now - I am loved. And that's alright by me.

Did you ever?

My cousin just posted something on facebook. Her quote goes like this: "Have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen?"

My answer? Why yes! Yes I have! And guess what? It can.

I went out with my friend Vik (Viktoria) today. We had sushi, I got my nose pierced, got a tat in memory of my momma. Anyone who knows me knows I'm broke as broke can be so why the heck?! Because. Because I never treat myself and by god, I deserve it. My roommate responded with a roll of the eyes. My friend Jason wanted to know if I was going through my midlife crisis a weee bit early. NAY!

Life is what you make it. And I WILL live. Every single day, I will live. So, have you ever wanted to wake up one morning and something so exciting, and extraordinarily amazing happen? Then MAKE it happen. Don't just want it to. I've just started that bucket list early. What can you cross off yours today?