She's Baaaaack

I have to get back to the me that I once was. I know this to be true - life is what YOU make of it. It's not about what others bring to the game. It's about how you perceive the game. You can drag your feet through it and see every dart that's been and is being zinged at you at Mach 5.... or .... you can pay attention to those darts - turn your world into the Matrix and slow things down. Observe. It's funny that when you observe, reallllly pay attention - you can change things.

I observed my life today. I had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I started to wonder if I'll be blessed with the joys that come with finding mine. You know - not the perfect man, but the man who's perfect for me. And maybe I will or maybe I won't, but I do know this. I've been alive for 33 years. 34 in a couple of months. And the people who have touched my life, selflessly given, loved me in spite of my MANY faults and failures ... those people never cease to amaze me. I'm so amazed because when I see my faults, they're magnified 100x. Why? Because they're mine. And how can ANYONE love me with all this crap that continually happens? But they do. And I'm blessed.

I've tried getting through the last week a number of ways. Staying busy, listening to music, going out and putting effort into looking the way I'm supposed to feel about myself all the time... Music ..... makes time stand still. It can make you laugh, for sure it can make you cry. It can make you want to throw shit, hit someone, or just curl up in the lap of the person you love and tell them all the things you should have said. It can bring back the most bittersweet memories and make you smile through the tears because of the joy you felt when you heard that song with your partner, mother, brother, daddy.....

So much of my life has revolved around chords, strumming, black keys, white keys, flats, sharps and the love of people. Music is what brought us together and in its honor, every time we were together, there was a note played, a song sung. It's powerful. It's a time machine that takes you back to the day you were sitting on Papaw's knee and he showed you how to hold a guitar for the first time. It's sitting on Mamaw Clarkston's piano with your brother at a young age and for the first time in the 3 hours we were at her house - we weren't fighting... we were playing Chopsticks. Peace. My mother's dedication to me when I lost what I thought was the love of my life... I cherish every memory. I've attached links to some of the songs that have impacted me in my life.

And so, with a grateful heart - good night, world. Make memories, keep them alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQPBk0RD8d0 - The first time I ever heard my dad curse. He spilled coke all over his lap in the Hardee's drive through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06OP--FJTBo - Our family sitting at Opryland listening to what I then thought to be likely the best song EVER :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6poo__S2h8 - Bluegrass, but absolutely heartfelt. My mother's song to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY - the song my Grandma and Grandpa Powers would ALWAYS play... regardless. If we came, they played this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qeKNdAdGhc - one of many Acapella songs playing on Saturday mornings as we all cleaned house.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1lTdWhi6-g&feature=fvw - My first "ah-ha" moment that I have no reason to EVER complain. These children are in the most impoverished, destitute conditions and yet you can see through their eyes that their souls are still smiling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsjZWlRVvo - first dance with my ex-husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU&ob=av2e - this is the song I would sing at the top of my lungs in my car as I was going through my divorce. Directed at 3 people. My parents and my what was then - soon to be ex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw - the last song I heard my mommy sing - with her frail hands lifted to the sky, still worshiping her God through all her pain.

Back on the horse

So - tonight I decided to snap out of my funk (for real) and make myself go have a good night. I have to admit I wasn't crazy about the whole idea before I got out... but once I was there and had the first Blue Moon under my belt - it was all good.

I hate starting over though... blech. Refocus.

I missed talking to my girl SVN tonight (Veronica)... That makes me sad. I'm thinking my next trip after Freeport is going to be down to Austin to go see her. Miss her big time.

I have to say ... I'm SOOOOO incredibly blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and who are able and willing to drag me out even when I don't wanna go. It proved to be an excellent idea. Thanks Greg! Way to be wingman!! :) Next time, Talbott Street. It's been too long!

Exhausted - and hoping for a solid night of sleep. Till tomorrow.

So much to say

I feel like my brain is just ready to explode - but I have no idea what words to put down to release the pressure. This is me... every night. Thinking. I sometimes can't even tell you what I'm thinking ABOUT - but I can still feel the hamster turnin' the wheel up there.

*knock, knock* Mr. Hamster - please, if you don't mind... could you stop for.... oh... 30 minutes. That should do the trick. I love, love, LOVE my dreamland and it's been a while since I've been to visit. I was just wondering if you could do me this one tiny favor and take tonight off. It would be very much appreciated. Really. Yes, yes... your legs and ass look fantastic - so good that I think a night off to celebrate in someone else's brain sounds like a splendid plan. Many thanks, Mr. Hamster. Feel free to take as long as you need to celebrate. ....

My dreamland - maybe this would help... I'll write about what a potential dream could be for me. Since I was a child - the one thing I remember my parents telling me was that if I was scared or if I just couldn't sleep - I needed to close my eyes and think of something that made me feel at peace and happy. So my happy place was always a field, as far as my eyes (brain in this case) could see - filled with the brightest white daisies with the centers as sharp as the sun. The yellow almost shines. And I'm picking them ... for someone. I don't know who. How these daisy filled dreams sometimes turn to the terrors that haunt me well into the next week is really beyond me.

*adds to list of fears - sleep. oh sheesh. just hit me over the head with a hammer and get it over with. PLEASE.

Back to ramblings

So I was driving the girls home tonight from Chuck E Cheese after dropping Polina off to the airport. She's London bound. And I know their terror. I know their tears. I remember the first business trip my mom went on and how I thought I was never going to see her again. They were fine until I started playing the CDs she had in the truck. They're uniquely hers and the girls recognize them as such. "Ambuw - pwess 5 like momma does." Momma. *tears.....

It's hard to rationalize with a 3 year old.

Really trying to make wise financial decisions right now. It's getting harder considering my invite to a South African suare in Tampa next weekend... and the flight is only $180. I needs to get my mind off things and this would do the trick. At least for a couple of days. I should save my cash. There are SO many directions I want to go with this blog - but I'm not... I'm not going to do it. I have 36 minutes left to cry... to obsess... and then - I'm moving on. I have NO clue what step one will be. Probably just watch the clock tick the pain away. Damn - those are good lyrics. Excellent even.

Nat's gonna teach me guitar while I'm in Freeport. So excited - my grandpa used to try to teach me... my I'm a bit of a pansy. My finger tips just couldn't hack it. I'm gonna do it though. I'm going to learn. I'm going to make myself better. I couldn't be better for him... not in his time. But then - that's just bad timing.

So - I lied. That last post wasn't my last post about him, but I'm feeling a little more level headed about the whole thing now. He has his person for right now - and maybe longer - I have no control. If it's meant to be - it'll be. So while I make no promises about blogs of men - this will be my last boo hoo I wasn't good enough blog about him. Holy fuck. I feel like I'm the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Meh - it's all good.

Good night. Good day. Good life. Toodles.

Fuck THIS!

I'm done... done. DONE. This is my last rambling about this mess. I need positive energy back in my life and me dwelling on this man that has clearly moved on - does nothing but keep me down. I can't keep doing it. I don't know where the tears keep coming from - but I'm giving myself the rest of tonight... and that is it.

I have a beautiful, giving soul that's bound to make the right man very happy. I'll be enough one day.

I'm closing with the lyrics of "Rise Above This."

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Dark Thirty

Soooo - the only reason I started blogging again really was to help me sleep. Perfect timing actually. I find it therapeutic. And here I sit - 4:04 am. I woke with the post alcohol shakes. I hate this feeling - which is one of the main reasons I don't overdo the booze more often. Well, that plus my grandfather was an alcoholic. He didn't drink much during the time when I grew up, but he did when he was raising daddy. And it affected my dad enough that I know I don't ever want to be that person. I'm preparing myself for motherhood... awww - how sweet.

I had to skip project runway tonight. Instead, Kriston was there. Again. Not many people know Kriston - but he's a person I will never........ EVER forget. He lay next to me after dipshit acted a total fool and treated me like crap all night long. Kris saw the whole thing. And he called one of his best friends on the planet out. And then he refused to let me stay my final night there with him. Kris walked me back to my room, kissed me on the cheek - told me everything was going to be ok - and told me he would be by at 11 to get me. And he was - but we had an hour before I had to check out. After he tapped on my door, I swung it open to find that it was appropriately rainy out. Pouring really. Which is what I had done all night. He looked at me and said, "you ok, love?" "Yeah, I'm alright." "No... no you're not." At which point he bear hugged me, told me to lay down, and he laid next to me. "No funny business" he said with this half smirk. And the tears poured - much like they did as I spoke to him last night.

I need sleep... I need to be loved. I need to be loved for what I bring to the table - not for a label I may or may not offer. Sleep will eventually call. So it goes.........

It's a double bloggin kinda night. I lied. I've had 2 double cran/vodkas and working on my 2nd double Captain n diet coke... cuz that's what us fatties do. We drink diet as if THAT's gonna make a difference. Hey - it happens once a week that I drink. 2X this week. Maybe 3. It's a bad fucking week, ok? Don't judge me.

Tonight started with 2 cran/vodkas, supermarket sushi from Target, 2 little debbie snack cakes... and I fully intend to eat myself in to a sugar coma... Maybe sleep through tomorrow. Hopefully party with Renee Saturday, drink and drink with Greg on Sunday... Fucking forget this week. I won't forget though, will I? *sigh* Anyway, enough bullshit. I have the gays to watch in an hour 15. I need to be good n fucked up by then. Ta.